What can I do to better myself?

Hello and thank you for your question,

First, I imagine this is an extremely difficult time for you. I have seen many individuals seek out therapy support due to heartbreak. I want to start by stating that it makes sense that you are hurting as much as you from this experience. At the same time, I can imagine the pain can seem unbearable.

I am glad you are seeking out help and there may be multiple issues that have occurred and I will be unaware of. I will attempt to provide information based on what you provided. I will approach this by addressing the issues related to going through a divorce or separation. Thus, keep in mind that I am unaware of all other possible underlying issues.

One thing that will be very helpful is trying to stay grounded. The body is very much affected by our emotional state. At times, you may notice your heart rate increasing when attempting to talk to her or thoughts related to her.  The body is likely still being triggered and your mind will also respond to your heart rate increasing. As you are going through this situation, your body will produce increased stress hormones. Ultimately, this makes sense because it is a stressful situation. But you can attempt to include more relaxation activities into your routine. This may not completely eliminate all the emotions you are having, but will at least help in keeping you more stable than before.

Here is a recommended list of stress reducing activities:

•  Deep breathing
• Imagery
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• I will include this link from John Hopkins University which will guide you through deep breathing. I highly recommend doing this daily. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wemm-i6XHr8&ab_channel=JohnsHopkinsRheumatology

Besides the grounding skills, I recommend you continue to normalize that this is hard and you will not get better immediately. The pain is very significant so you will need time to heal. Allow yourself time to heal. If you try to push away any negative feelings or try not talking about the separation then your emotions will only keep resurfacing and probably with more intensity. You are already doing a good job by reaching out for help today. The healing process may involve forgiving her or yourself for things that were said or done in the marriage.  If you do not forgive the other person and yourself, you will carry all of those negative emotions in your next relationship or be unable to move on from the relationship.

Next, do not isolate yourself. It is recommended to surround yourself with people who are going to be supportive. These people should be willing to listen to you talk about the concerns not just tell you to “get over it” or “just move on”. These statements will not serve you well.

Ultimately, therapy is highly recommended for the concerns you are describing. As you can tell, I may be missing a variety of information here that could be further discussed in a therapy session. I hope this is at least a good start to healing from what you are going through. Lastly, take it one day at a time. Some days will be better than others but healing from this does happen.

Thank you again for your question!