What can I do to help with my tendencies to talk to other when I’m mad at my significant other?

Hi Mike,

It's good that you are recognizing that there are some problems within the relationship and that you are open to receiving some help. The solution to your question will involve exploring what contributes to these behaviors. What do you get out of lying and cheating? Where does the need to control your girlfriend come from? My guess is that there was some trouble with attachments as a child and maybe there is a history of being abandoned, but without really engaging in therapy, there is no way of knowing as there could be numerous reasons for your behaviors.

Since you do recognize that these are behaviors you should fix, being open with your girlfriend about your desire to work on these, and allowing her to hold you accountable, will be really important. She may also need some healing as well, as being lied to, cheated on, and controlled can affect her mental health as well. Just as you may need to heal, she may as well. 

My suggestion is to start with individual therapy, address issues that may be contributing to the current challenges, and then, if your girlfriend is willing, move on to couples' therapy. In the meantime, try to pay attention to what you are telling yourself when you are controlling or lie or cheat. Recognizing your self-talk can provide clues into what is causing these behaviors. Tracking what you are working on (such as writing down each time that you have lied), may help you slow down and respond less impulsively in the future.

There could certainly be low self-esteem as a contributing factor to the controlling nature of your relationship. You may also feel very anxious, and learning and practicing coping skills could help. One modality is EMDR, which allows clients to reprocess their memories (called "targets") in a safe setting. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can also allow you to identify messages and beliefs acquired earlier in life.

Anyway, I do hope you give therapy a try, and let me know if I can help or if you have any additional questions.

Take care,

Nick DeFazio