What do I do when my partner doesn’t want to be together but wants to stay friends?

Lena 

I am sorry for your pain. Whenever we have strong feelings for another person, but they do not reciprocate those feelings, this can be one of the most difficult challenges in life.  To better help us decide what to do next there are a number of realities we have to take into consideration in deciding how to respond in such a situation.   

One reality is that people do evolve, meaning that people do grow and change with the circumstances they experience in life. Because of this, it is not uncommon that people in a relationship may grow apart. Often, couples counselling can help revive a relationship; however, once either person is no longer invested in the relationship, the only healthy course of actions is to either terminate the relationship or redefine the relationship in a way that will allow all three of you to find peace and move forward with your lives. In your statement, you said that your partner wants to maintain a relationship, but wants to redefine it as “friends” and mutual caregivers for your child. That puts the issue in your ballpark—how do you want to redefine this relationship in order for you to move past the pain and find happiness in your own life. 

A second reality is that because there is a child involved, redefining the relationship has to take the child’s welfare into consideration. Basically, this means that for the child's sake, your relationship with your partner cannot just be terminated. As long as the child is a part of your lives your relationship as co-parents will continue regardless. Research has shown that separation/divorce does not affect children negatively as long as both parents maintain an amiable, respectful working relationship as co-parents. 

A third reality is that every relationship is basically a contract. It may be spelled out by the people involved or it may be unspoken, but the point is that once one of the people in a relationship has come to the conclusion that this relationship is no longer helpful for them, then the only option is to terminate the relationship or to renegotiate the relationship into one that you, your partner and your child can live with and thrive.  

A fourth reality is that if one person in a relationship is unhappy with that relationship, generally all parties in the relationship are also unhappy. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can be much more damaging than the pain of accepting the discomfort of change. 

A fifth reality is that any time we are faced with the end of a significant relationship it generally involves grieving, just like the loss of a loved one. We have to go through all the stages of grief with the goal of reaching acceptance. The important message here is that we have to believe that we will survive this regardless of how daunting it may feel. We have to believe that when we are on the other side of this, we can be and will be happier, healthier and ready to move on with our life. It is so important that we do not get caught up in the hurt and resentment. Like any grief, we have to move on and to believe that there is unimaginable happiness waiting for us in the future. 

One last reality is that as difficult as it may sound, the best thing you can do is ask yourself, what will it take for me to be happy—and focus on that. If you are happy, your child is much more likely to be happy as well. There is nothing more healing than letting go of the past and embracing a scary, but exciting promise of a joyful future.