Ask a therapist > Relationships > What do if husband yells and criticizes every small detail when discussing serious matters?

What do if husband yells and criticizes every small detail when discussing serious matters?

When I approach my husband about a matter that I found hurtful and express myself using the DEARMAN method and "I" statements, he begins to yell and list for an hour or more things that I have not done in the house or with kids according to his standards. Rather than addressing the issue I brought forward initially. I begin to tear up from his yelling and running back and forth to point at random things around the house to exhibit the horrible job I do as a stay at home mother of a 5 year old boy and 11 month old girl. He believes that if I just follow the "rules and regulations" (which I do to the best of my ability to have the house and kids according to his liking) then there would be no issue in the marriage. He thinks I'm not emotional and too sensitive. But we've been married for 7 years and I've been working on myself trying to help alleviate any triggers from my end. I've tried many methods of marriage and self help that are feasible on my stay at home mom budget. I've become mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. Need advice on how to approach such an individual that begins to yell, becomes defensive, and then pinpoints and criticizes every small detail about their partner in order to evade the initial topic at hand and acknowledge my feelings and perspective?

Asked by Ama

Relationships

Marriage

Answered

05/31/2022

This is a difficult situation when you and your partner have different viewpoints or expectations about the relationship and/or parenting/household responsibilities. It also sounds as though he may expect perfection or control over how things are done. Does he know and agree with your expectations from him? When a relationship feels unbalanced, or one person feels as though they are never able to satisfy their partner, despite their best efforts, this leads to feeling rejected and despair.

One conflict resolution approach is to focus on what you are able to change and control, and communicate those things to him. Do you have concerns about how this is impacting your children? Sometimes when two people experience difficulty with communication, changing the focus to the children's needs being met or expectations you both agree on for the children can be helpful and avoid pointing fingers at what the adults do/don't do. If you are able to identify the goals and expectations you both have for your children, then you can problem solve the other things both people need to do to make that happen.

It sounds as though having a non-biased person to represent and help you both discuss your feelings and concerns would be the best option. Does he know you are looking for help and is he willing to seek help? For one person to pursue change, but the other not to or not develop a clear understanding of your needs and feelings, it creates more resentment for you and limited progress. If you communicate with your partner the things you have tried to do on your own, as well as that both of you are a part in creating a supportive and positive relationship, this would be the next step to resolve and move forward. A relationship takes understanding and flexibility, and if you are both frustrated, that can be a starting place.

Look at your current supports and the positive aspects in place for your family. Are these tensions leading to difficulties for you or him in other areas of your life? If yes, that is another indicator that seeking help together would be a helpful next step.

Stephanie Rumbaugh