What is the best way to tell our children that we are separating?

Hi Jem,

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through such a painful process- separating from your spouse. It truly is challenging to deal with this kind of a breakup when you have children involved. It takes a toll on your mental and physical health. The bond that you had created depending on the type of your relationship and the length of your relationship plays a huge role when it comes to an end. 

Children go through many emotions when the are going through this. They don't want to blame either of the parents and feel insecure physically and emotionally with the challenges. It becomes hard for them to share the feelings with people around them, thus most children internalize their feelings. The first thing to remember when dealing with children is to never rely on them emotionally- keep in mind that you have to be there for them, not the other way around.  Always remember to keep your emotions in control when you are around them and never speak negatively of your soon to be ex. Encourage them to share their feelings with you and and let them know that both of the parents are there for them even in they are not going to be together with each other.  It becomes difficult for people to provide emotional support for children due to the emotional pain they are going through themselves. However, it is extremely important to do this as this provides children the security and assurance they need from their parents. 

As for yourself, take one day at a time and try to work on your personal growth. Re-evaluate your relationship and know what happened and the reason why it is ending. The clearer you become about all the questions from your relationship the easier it will be for you to work on your personal growth. Work on your strengths and weaknesses. Know what kind of relationship you want to have with your soon to be ex spouse. You are going to have to keep a relationship with them since you are going to be coparenting with them. It is extremely important for you to work with a mental health professional - ideally take therapy for couples counseling so that you able to terminate the relationship without any guilt - knowing that you have done your best. 

The more you become self aware the better you are going to feel. Know you strengths and weaknesses and your future goals. I wish you the best.

Dr. Saima