Ask a therapist > Relationships > What should I do in my situation? I think I’m having a hard time mentally and emotionally

What should I do in my situation? I think I’m having a hard time mentally and emotionally

So I recently broke up with my bf but it was mutual because we realized we were not in a good place mentally and emotionally but I feel like I was mostly affected. We’re still really good friends but we’re giving each other space to fix ourselves and enjoy some freedom and peace. It’s like one major thing we had a problem with was communication and I know I was mostly bad at communication even though I wanted to make things better but it’s like an obstacle that’s not letting me want to be better. I feel like I have some issues mentally as well and believe that probably affected our relationship too. I want to be a better version for myself and possibly for my ex, which I’m in really good terms with. I just need help figuring out things

Asked by Lissa

Relationships

Answered

11/11/2022

Hey Lissa,

First of all, I think that you should be proud of yourself, and your ex, for recognizing that you needed to take time to focus on yourselves and improving your own mental health independently before trying to move forward as a couple. I know that was not easy. I'd be curious to know how you were affected, as you said you feel like you were affected more directly.

Communication is key in a relationship and can absolutely affect the success or demise of a relationship, and it sounds like that was one of the biggest issues. I think the first steps are looking at what you feel like your barriers are in opening up and being honest with each other. Part of that is looking at what your current communication style is, and how you feel like you can improve it to be more clear in what you need and how you would like to achieve that goal.

It's also important to look at what your current mode of communication is in order to be more self-aware and look at what your current communication patterns look like. Are you more passive, where you allow others to take advantage and walk all over you? Or are you more passive aggressive, where things are personal to you, but you hold on the frustration rather than actually expressing the things that are bothering you. Aggressive is pretty self-explanatory.

What we want to aim for is more assertive communication. Where we are being more up front and honest, in a respectful way about what we want and need, without being apologetic. It takes practice, but you can look at some examples here:

https://www.mirecc.va.gov/cih-visn2/Documents/Patient_Education_Handouts/Assertive_Communication_Version_3.pdf

I think the other piece of the situation is looking at what is truly going to make you happy. What do you feel like is important to you, and are you getting those needs met in the relationship? I think that it's important to look at what is going to make YOU happy first and foremost. This might be the best time to focus on you and what might make you happy and feel more fulfilled moving forward.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the happiness and success!

Leigh Ann Byrum

LCMHC