What to do when attraction is not mutual?

Unrequited attraction can hurt. Rather than look at attraction that is not mutual as an obstacle to overcome (because we cannot make someone become attracted to us), let us look at it from the viewpoint of how it affects one’s sense of self-worth.

We know that our feelings are a result of our thoughts, so what we tell ourselves about the one-way attraction will affect how we view ourselves. One response could be, “Well, this means I’m not good enough. I will always be alone. I’m unlovable.” This person may then feel unworthy, ugly, inadequate, etc. However, if the person tells himself or herself, “I wish that the attraction was mutual, but I know that there are others out there for me,” then this person may remain confident. We should also realize that not being seen as attractive by another person could have a lot to do with that other person. For example, the way you look may remind him or her of someone, or maybe the other person really is not looking for a relationship due to encountering other situations in his or her life. The other person may have an image of what he or she is looking for, and you not being consistent for whatever reason does not mean that anything is wrong with you.

Much more important than whether someone else finds us attractive is whether we find ourselves attractive—whether we are able to see not only our physical features that are visibly attractive, but also identify our physical, emotional, social, and intellectual strengths.  If recognizing our positive characteristics is difficult, we can write ourselves positive affirmations, make a list of the qualities about ourselves that we like and then have a close person in your life add more items to this list, set goals and accomplish them, take better care of our hygiene (when we take care of ourselves, we feel better about ourselves), and participate in counseling to focus on improving self-esteem.  Again, we need to respect the other person’s right to view us as what he or she is not looking for while also recognizing that we will be prized by someone else.