What to do when attraction turns to hate?

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised that the article below might mention trauma-related topics that include types of abuse & violence that could be triggering.

While it is important to note that attraction can change at any time for any reason, when attraction turns to hate, typically this is indicative of something a lot more serious than just sensing that there might be some “red flags” or “turn-offs” associated with the change in feelings. Sometimes, media portrayals of attraction and hate coexisting can come across as “romantic.” However, it is important to emphasize that hatred and loathing are emotions that have no business being adjacent to the attraction for the sake of those involved in the dynamic. The shifting of attraction to hate needs to be addressed, and certain steps might be necessary for determining how to proceed with the situation.

The first thing to question is whether or not the shift in this emotion resulted from toxic or abusive behaviors. Examples of toxic traits existing within different relationships are:

• A sense of being “on edge” or as though a very alarming emotional response will occur if someone says or does the “wrong thing.”
• Feeling as though someone has to “hold back” how they feel or not say anything to avoid conflict.
• Feeling as though the relationship is “one-sided” or as though one person is doing all emotional or physical work involved to maintain it.
• A sense of helplessness when it comes to enforcing boundaries due to multiple occasions where these boundaries have been ignored or violated.
• Not being able to confront passive-aggressive behaviors due to them being “the norm” within the dynamic.
• Jealousy often being misplaced or placed upon the person not experiencing the jealousy (for example: “It’s your fault that I’m so jealous! Maybe you shouldn’t have so many guy/girlfriends hanging around!”)
• Privacy is oftentimes not respected and not a given within the dynamic.

These different behaviors can also exist within an abusive relationship and are often tactics that people with abusive traits will implement to control. Specific types of abusive relationship dynamics include:

• Emotional abuse is where the person uses emotion-based tactics to dwindle the other person’s sense of self and self-esteem through verbal violence, insults, belittling, and constant invalidation. This will often lead the other person to feel “reliant” on the abusive person for validation.
• Physical abuse where physical aggression and behaviors are used to control or manipulate the situation. Even if these actions only occur once, the person might still use the threat of violence occurring again to elicit the desired response.
• Sexual abuse involves sexual coercion, manipulation, or even forcing certain sexual acts.
• Financial abuse is where resources and access to money are withheld so that the other person feels “stuck” and further dependent on the abusive person.

If you have been experiencing domestic violence, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

It is important to recognize that all of the above behaviors and dynamics are not mutually exclusive to romantic relationships. There are all different kinds of attractions and, therefore, all different types of ways that these attractions can evolve into hate and loathing. A friendship can be emotionally or physically abusive. A business partnership can become financially abusive. That leads me to my second, and the most important, piece of advice as to what to do if one finds themselves in a situation where attraction has turned to hate: do what you can to feel safe and secure again. Safety should always be the priority in any relationship dynamic. This means analyzing the situation at hand and then considering how it has become unsafe and in what ways you can re-establish safety in your life. This could be as simple as “ghosting” or cutting off all contact with the person or as complicated as having to navigate a relationship dynamic now where you can no longer be emotionally close with another person but are forced to interact with them. One of the first crucial things that can always make things better is to talk to someone you trust and begin processing your feelings and options if you find yourself in a no longer safe or healthy situation.