What to do when marriage counseling doesn’t work?

Marriage counseling can be a great outlet for any couple, especially if your marriage is in a rough spot.  However, marriage counseling can sometimes not work for couples, and it can be unclear to know what to do when that happens.  To realize with marriage counseling is that rapport needs to happen between three people instead of two.  Due to that, it is sometimes difficult to find the right counselor that you and your spouse both feel a rapport with.  When you feel like you two are not connecting with your counselor, it is perfectly okay to switch counselors. This is really common, and professional counselors should understand and not take it personally.  A rapport with your counselor is really important for counseling to be effective. 

It is important for you and your spouse to thoroughly think through if you each believe therapy can work and motivate you to implement what you are learning. Sometimes marriage counseling is not working because one or both spouses do not believe it can work and even already predicts it's a failure.  When that is the case, one or both spouses will be less likely to be consistent with therapy and less consistent with implementing the tools they are learning.  It is important, to be honest with yourself about your motivation when allowing counseling to help.

When working in couple’s therapy, it is important to define the problems you want to work on very specifically and measurably.  Sometimes marriage counseling is not working because the group is working on very broad and overwhelming goals.  For example, a broad goal that could feel overwhelming and aimless could be, “To have a happy marriage.” Every person has a different idea of what a happy marriage looks like, and that is really broad.  Also, there are many different types of techniques to use with couples in marriage counseling. So if you feel like marriage counseling is not working for you and your marriage, maybe try to explore other techniques to see if they have more of a positive impact on your marriage.