What to Do When Relationships Fail?

Reframing “fail”

Since words such as “succeed” and “fail” are certainly subjective words that can meet very different things to different people, including two people in a relationship, let us look at what to do when relationships end. A relationship ending may feel like a “failure,” and there can certainly be just as much grief associated with a relationship concluding as there is with a loved one passing away.

Grief and acceptance

At the time, a relationship ending can be devastating. It may have appeared at some point that the relationship would never end and that the couple can overcome any challenge in its way. But that sense that the relationship must be permanent omits the reality that people change and won't change. Think about your first relationship and how it felt when it came to an end. Did you tell yourself that you would never love again? Did you even know what love was? Looking back, it may seem humorous how seriously you took that relationship or how you acted when it concluded. But we make ourselves vulnerable in relationships, and it is easy to develop expectations for relationships, even when these expectations may not be articulated.

If the relationship ended after there was betrayal, the relationship ending might be particularly hard. Some people feel that to move forward, there must be forgiveness, but many people can move forward with mere acceptance (although that can also take time). Everyone responds to breakups differently, so be patient with yourself as you grieve and process what has happened.  Remind yourself that there is no right way to feel, but those feelings will be temporary no matter how you feel after a breakup. Relationships help us learn and grow, and one relationship ending can make us more prepared for a more satisfying next relationship when the time is right.

Focusing on ourselves and rebuilding

It is common for people experiencing a painful breakup to replace their former partner with someone new, whether that involves entering into a new romantic relationship or engaging in sexual activity with a friend or stranger. While there is no right or wrong way to move forward, it is important that we not allow our intense emotions to lead us to make decisions that we could regret later. Additionally, relationships ending provide us an opportunity to focus on ourselves. Recognizing our own self-worth can help us enter into healthy relationships. We feel desperate, eager to replace a partner quickly; we may be more likely to choose a partner that is not right for us or choose a partner when we are not ready for a relationship.