When am I going to move on?

Hi! A pleasure to meet you! I am Lorena, LMFT (marriage and family therapist).

Thanks for opening up to me and sharing some of your current struggles/ issues you are dealing with. I hear your words and your commitment to feeling better so hopefully this answer will help!

It is pretty normal when we have a committed partner to devote ourself to them fully; without realizing that we need us more than anyone. It sounds like you were pretty committed to this person and the relationship you both had so you decided to invest yourself fully in him.. I can't imagine what being in the same city without him looks like. It probably reminds you about a lot of things and it is hard not to have him in your head a lot of the time. Plus, dedicating yourself to him and not opening up to other people! That's pretty normal, so we will process this together.

You probably have changed as a person after that relationship so it is hard to picture yourself with people from before; it is not that you became a better or worst person, you just changed and transformed, probably your needs/ likes/ desires and hopes did as well! I wonder how can you meet new people.

First exercise: write down some of your coping mechanisms, things that make you happy nowadays and let's think about meeting people in those situations; cooking classes, yoga, fitness centers, music classes, etc!

Think about the person you are and want to continue being and invest yourself in that!

I hear how you are scared of being vulnerable again and opening up to a new relationship! Makes a lot of sense, clearly you were in a committed relationship where you dedicated yourself to one person. Opening up your heart again and dating/ going out is equal to being vulnerable, which means putting your wall/ guard down and opening up and letting also the fear/ concern play a role. Yes, your heart may get broken again; but that is very normal and part of the relationship; it's actually a very normal part of dating. A pro of dating is not only making the relationship work out but also getting to know yourself with different people. Perhaps, different individuals teach you something about yourself that you did not know was there!

The only way in which you can continue becoming the amazing person you are is by exposing. When you are secure of your needs as a person the way that a break up affects you will be very different; which means that it will hurt but you will understand it different as well! 

Exercise 2: accountability mirror: stand in front of a mirror and everyday grab a sticky note and write something you like about yourself; paste it in the mirror and notes will be adding up! send me a picture if you can!

Conclusion:

So working together we would do a little bit of inner work where you can find that peace and acceptance with yourself; we would focus on being vulnerable, letting yourself understand fear and talking about your needs as a person.

I always send a therapy worksheet before we meet so I will do that with you as well so I can have your goals and needs for the future. Let me know if you have any questions!

Respectfully,

Lorena Klahr, Licensed marriage and family therapist