When is a relationship too far gone, and when do I know when to call it?

Hi Grace, 

Thank you for reaching out with this question. It sounds like this relationship has had quite a few ups and downs. It makes sense why part of you feels done with this relationship. I imagine the part of you that wants to work on the relationship and keep it is the part of you that remembers the happy times the two of you have had. 

In a relationship there will be ups and downs, for sure. It is up to you to determine behavior that you will work with or not. This is why your question is impossible for anyone other than yourself to answer. 

As you think through your decision, I encourage you to look towards your values and how staying with this partner aligns with those values. If you aren't sure how to identify your values, I encourage you to look for the Values Discussion Cards worksheet on therapistaid.com. This worksheet has been helpful for many of my clients in making a decision and feeling good about it. 

Other areas you may need to think through include how to understand this relationship and this partner. Is this a first love who will always hold a special place in your heart even though you know you'll never get back together? Is this person someone you are in love with, but who you can't be with because of his treatment of you, or because it appears he isn't able to manage a long distance relationship at this time? I think this is one of the hardest ideas to conceptualize. It is painful to say "I love you, but we can't be together." You may also want to consider your stage in life. People who start working right out of high school have a much different experience than people who go to college. You may decide that you both need to have some space to explore your different experiences. Even if you agree to take space, you may agree to meet up in a year to talk about what life has been like and reevaluate having a relationship together. 

You may also consider an open relationship, if that is something that aligns with your values. If you two decide to try this option, I recommend counseling to make sure you both are on the same page. I often see couples who play with this idea and end up with more problems than they expected. As you can see, you have a lot of options.

You may also notice that you experience grief as you think through these options. It makes sense to grieve the relationship if you decide to leave. You may also find that you grieve the relationship that you thought you had. You may grieve the relationship you wanted, but couldn't have. You may grieve a future you thought you would have with this person. 

It may be helpful for you to work with a therapist for a few months to work through these issues. You have a lot to think about, and I understand this can feel overwhelming. Take some deep breaths, take care of your heart, make sure your eat well and drink plenty of water.