When my fiancé (woman) is upset with me, even when I am clearly in the wrong, I get defensive, why?

Defensiveness is something that a lot of people can probably identify with doing from time to time. Defensiveness is often a response to perceived criticism. It is something we often do in attempts to defend ourselves from a perceived attack from someone else. We can get defensive when we are feeling accused by our partners and it becomes a strategy that we think will make them back off.

When we are defensive with our partners, we are communicating to them that we do not take their concerns seriously and we are reversing the blame back to the partner. We are communicating, "the problem is not me, it is you". The problem is that finding someone to blame does not actually solve the problem at hand. Defensiveness can be really damaging to relationships if left unchecked and has been found that it can be a predictor of the ending of a relationship.

It is really great that you are recognizing this pattern in yourself and wanting to take steps towards a healthier approach at conflict resolution. Identifying that this is a behavior of yours is the first step towards decreasing this response and replacing the response with more effective and healthier communication patterns. In therapy, you can explore deeper what is triggering your response of defensiveness to better understand and change that pattern.

Note that in my earlier definition of defensiveness I used the word perceived. How we perceive what is being communicated often plays a large role in influencing our response. It is important to understand your triggers to a defensive reaction and to understand the difference between a perceived attack and an actual attack. Often you are feeling flooded with emotion not because of what your partner is saying or doing, it is because you are interpreting what is being said to you and attaching a personal meaning to their statements. (For example, maybe you feel by bringing this up you are saying that you are not a good enough partner for them). Even if your fiance is bringing up a legitimate concern, there is something that is triggering that defensive response in you.

Defensiveness can happen impulsively. The impulse being to immediately refute anything that is brought up towards you and an impulse to protect yourself from a perceived attack. Defensiveness can also look like a counterattack. Counterattacks escalate the conflict through score keeping.  Lastly, defensiveness can look like making yourself out to be the victim. 

That all being said, how does one stop defensive communication?

With responsibility. Accept your partner's perspective and offer an apology for any wrong doing. 

That is probably easier said than done and will take time, patience, and practice. Here are some ideas on how you can implement accepting responsibility. 

Do you find that whenever you are feeling attacked your initial thought is to start planning your response? When your fiance is bringing something up to you next time, practice just listening and I mean really just listening. There is going to be a strong impulse to interrupt, clarify yourself, identify reasons, etc before your partner is even done with what they are saying, but don't do that. When we start talking before the other person is finished it can leave both the speaker and the listener feeling misunderstood and not heard. Let your partner fully finish talking before you respond. During this time you can practice self-soothing. This helps keep your emotional brain from taking over the rational brain (when it's all emotional we are more likely to react with impulse). Remind yourself that you will get your turn to express your feelings about the matter at hand. 

To help you focus on listening and not your response, write down what your partner is saying, then write down any defensiveness you are feeling. Remind yourself of your love and respect for your partner. Take a moment to remember something that you love about them or a time they have demonstrated love to you. It is hard to focus on blaming your partner when you are focusing on why they are important to you. Your relationship is not equal to the anger or hurt you are feeling in that moment over that particular issue. Take a moment to take a deep breath before responding. Deep breathing from your diaphragm can activate your parasympathetic nervous system which signals to the brain to calm down. This also buys you time to respond using logic and not just emotion. It is ok to communicate to your partner that you are having strong emotions come up for you and you need a minute to respond and want to focus on calming down your emotions first. It is ok to pause a conversation so you have time to process, reflect, and identify how you want to respond. You can even come up with a silly code word that communicates that you need a few minutes. 

Try to not take what is being said personally. Ask yourself, why am I feeling triggered right now? What am I perceiving that they are saying about me? What is feeling attacked and what am I trying to protect? Remember your partner bringing up conversations is about their needs in the relationship. It is ok to say to your partner, "I am feeling defensive about what you are saying to me. Can you please reword what you are communicating that you need and we can work together to meet it?" Lastly, try to reframe your thoughts around conflict. Conflict in relationships is not inherently bad. Conflict can increase understanding of one another and can be an opportunity for growth in the relationship. Conflict can create connection and closeness to one another. So when your fiance brings something up, try to reframe that this is not an attack where it is "me versus her", but rather an opportunity for us to work together to ensure that both parties' needs are being met in the relationship. 

Approach conflict with courage. Be courageous to be vulnerable with your partner and listen to your partner non-defensively. Own your behavior. Don't use those no, ifs, ands, or buts. Just simply own it, then you can give your explanation.