Who do I chose? My husband or lover?

Hi esvee,

I am glad you are bringing this question to BetterHelp. I understand that you are facing a large decision, and it is a dilemma truly of the head and the heart. I will not be able to tell you what decision to make as this lies entirely in your hands. You know yourself best, and you know best your dreams, goals, and ambitions for your life.

I can tell you, though, that it seems you have good insight about the pros and cons of the options, and really you will need to decide where you see your future. It sounds like your husband has been a great provider and is a great man. He has been there for you and provided opportunities, however there are complexities to this relationship being that it was arranged and provided your first real step into independence in the world, moving out of your childhood home and away from your family. If you do not feel an intimate love for him, and truly do not want to be with him, then it would make sense to end the relationship. By being open in your communication, and your feelings as well we respect for him and all he is provided, this can be done in an amicable way.

It is very admirable that while you do not feel the love for him that is necessary for a healthy and intimate marital relationship, you respect him and respect the potential he has for future love in his life albeit with another woman. I believe that giving him this opportunity to move forward with his life in the hopes of finding true love and a deep connection with someone who reciprocates that love is very unselfish of you. 

Your lover sounds like he brings love to your life that you have not felt before, and that you would not want to give up. I understand feeling like you want more for him than to be the other man because of how much you care for him and the amazing person you see him to be. You mention his living and working situation, and it seems you are comparing it to your husband's. It is important to ask yourself if these things will hinder where you want to be in life.

Perhaps life will look different financially should you end up with your lover long-term; Does that bother you? Would that keep you from pursuing a life with your lover? If not, then these facts do not matter in making your decision. If they do bother you, how much? What are your priorities for your life?  It sounds to me that you value your independence and take pride in the work that you're doing to find yourself right now. You are already living somewhat financially independent from your husband in the sense that you help pay the bills, what would be different financially on your own? I understand your husband has helped you to get to this point but I don't think you can carry any guilt about that. You married your husband in hopes that he was the right fit for you and that you would be lifelong partners; How can you blame yourself, or him, that things did not work out that way?

Overall, it appears that you are ready to move on from your marriage but you feel guilt over this decision. That is completely normal. You recognize all that he's done for you and you care about him. But it also sounds like you very much share a connection with your lover, and whether things work out long-term with your lover or not, you embrace and enjoy your independence, and do not feel that this is a marriage you want to be in regardless. My best advice would be to ensure you are fair and respectful to everyone involved. It is important to communicate in a way that is true to you. I think that it would be very appropriate to express how you are feeling and the challenges you are facing given this complicated situation, both with your husband and your lover. I have faith that you will make the right decision for you. And that you will be able to communicate that decision to both your lover and your husband in a way that reflects the respect you have for both of them. Good luck to you!