Why am I having a hard time letting go of an ex?

Hi Star,

Thank you so much for reaching out with your question. It can understandably be difficult to let go of an ex, regardless of the length, frequency, or distance of the relationship, as it is more about what the relationship meant to you. If there was something about this person that met a deep emotional need, whether it was loneliness, or wanting to be wanted, there can be an experience of grief or loss when they move on unexpectedly. If they enter a new relationship, it can bring up strong feelings of abandonment, rejection, or feeling discarded, as if our feelings and place in their lives did not matter. Upon learning that they are in a new relationship, it is common to wonder such thoughts as: "What was wrong or deficient in me?" or "I'm not good enough." Perhaps you didn't get the closure you needed for this relationship and you might feel like you are in limbo?

The way we view and experience adult relationships often stem from our original relationships from childhood, mainly our parents (or caregivers). Even if our parents met our physical needs, if we didn't always get our emotional needs met by them, we can spend our lifetime searching to fulfill those emotional needs in other people. Was there something about this person that made you feel special, whole, or complete? You mentioned that it was long distance, and you only saw each other once a month for those 5 months, but how did it make you feel when you saw each other? When you learned that this person had a new girlfriend and moved on, did that bring up any feelings that reminded you of anything? 

I want to encourage you that through healing and self-compassion, you won't always feel this way. These types of situations can affect our perceptions of self-worth, and a large part of your therapeutic process will focus on what you can change. We can't change this other person's decision, but we can help you to find your sense of self-worth that is not dependent on the validation of other people. Sometimes it is difficult to let go because we want to be validated that we are still okay and the outcome of this relationship was not because we are not worthy. You are worthy even if this person moved on to the next relationship. Therapy can help you to find the happiness in yourself to help you feel complete and whole without a relationship first, so that your next relationship can be healthier and you can feel fulfilled with or without the other person.