Ask a therapist > Relationships > Why can't i build a long-lasting friendship?

Why can't i build a long-lasting friendship?

Most people these days have a friendship group or at least a friend they have been with for years. However, this has not been the case for me.
At age 10, i played with the neighbours' kids. They were always rude to me for no reason at all, so when we grew up, we stopped talking at all.
I had two elementary school friends. They would usually hang out without me because we lived far away from each other and afterwards we didn't keep in touch.
In high school i found friends, but one of them turned out to be extremely toxic and her behaviour was unbelievable. She would always suck up to the teachers and annoy everybody around her. The other one was a nice girl, but she would always ditch me and we wouldn't talk for the entire summer vacation.
In 9th grade, i had a group of friends and a boyfriend, but after we broke up, i had to leave the group. Two years later i managed to get into another group but it turns out nobody there actually liked me and they were just being polite.
I am currently 19 and in a relationship and i sometimes go out with my boyfriend and his friends. However, i feel like the new group doesn't like me either, and even if i try befriending some of them, there is nothing to be done if they aren't interested.

Asked by Dezzie

Relationships

Loneliness

Answered

01/02/2023

Hello,

Thank you for your question. It sounds like you have had some difficulty maintaining friendships, but at least from what you have written, it seems like some of those lost friendships are of no fault of your own and actually the result of poor quality friendships in the first place and friendships that genuinely needed to end.

I first want to say that I completely understand the desire to have lasting friendships, but also want to encourage you to not compare yourself with other people. Friendships do come and go and don't give up hope in finding that lasting one.

It sounds like there is a need for better boundary setting with friends and knowing what you will or won't tolerate in a friendship. I know it may seem like boundaries will limit the pool of people, but if it is about finding friendships that will last then healthy boundaries will help you to not get stuck wasting time with people not worth having in your life and will free you up to find people who will be worth having in your life in the long run.

Setting boundaries starts with knowing your worth and knowing your values. It's okay not to tolerate things that don't line up with your values or what you are wanting from a friendship. If you express what you are needing and wanting and they aren't able or willing to provide that then that is on them and a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship.

if boundary setting is hard for you it may be helpful to talk with a therapist either here on the BetterHelp platform or through more traditional means. A therapist can help you to work through any feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth as well as to help you identify what your values and goals are. A therapist could also help you to determine how to communicate your boundaries with potential friends if setting and enforcing boundaries is difficult for you.

I do wish you well and want to thank you again for your question. I hope you're able to find and maintain the friendships you are desiring. They are out there. Take care.

Heather Michael