Why can't I find it in my heart to leave a toxic relationship?

Hi Ronnie! 

I'm Beverly Furstenberg, a licensed clinical social worker in Missouri. I am happy to provide some guidance and insight for your question. 

Your question seems as though you are ambivalent about the ending of this toxic relationship. The short answer as far as why you cannot find it in your heart to leave a toxic relationship is that because you have been married for 30 years, you have so much of your lives intertwined and invested in one another as well as your identities. With that being said, it's never easy or painless to bring an end to such a long standing and invested relationship. 

The longer answer here may encompass multiple concepts. One concept that might be a hindrance in the ending of this relationship is fear. Maybe imagining the rest of your life without your husband seems like a dream come true, but there might also be a part of you that is scared to experience such a drastic change and/or loss. There may also be some sort of financial necessity that binds the two of you together as well as living arrangements. Another concept might be hope. Maybe there is a part of you that secretly (or not so secretly) hopes for improvement or reconciliation within the marriage. Also, religious beliefs can impact our decision making when it comes to divorce. 

It might be helpful to contemplate “what has kept me in this marriage before”, especially if there was ever a time where you were planning on leaving or at the minimum were very serious about it.

When it comes to the perceived end of this relationship, is your husband on the same page with you? Does he too feel that this relationship is over? Have you both given it your best effort to make any changes necessary for reconciliation? 

Is the relationship actually over, meaning neither one of you care any longer to make it work and have checked out, or is this just fear or pain that is causing you to desire leaving? You mentioned still loving your husband although you're not sure how much and how he keeps throwing in your face how you have messed up. It sounds like there are still feelings there, but him bringing this up over and over is driving a wedge further between the two of you. Ending the marriage may end one toxic relationship, but if you do not do the work to heal and grow as an individual, then you will bring past issues into new relationships.

I hope my answer has given you a few things to think about!

Take care,

Beverly