Why do I always feel rejected and can’t be alone?

Hi, and thanks for your question -- which, by the way -- is a great question to ask oneself. The mere fact that you're asking yourself this question ("Why do I stick around for this?") indicates that you're unhappy with the circumstances and are nearly ready for something about the arrangement to change.

Before we proceed -- ask yourself, in a general sense (i.e., not just regarding your relationship):

• "What are my values?"
• "Am I living my values each day?"
• "What do I want out of life?" (hopes, dreams, goals, etc.)
• "Is my current situation (i.e., the totality of your life) likely to result in my living my values and getting what I want out of life?"
• "What are my 'non-negotiables' in life? (i.e., what must I have in my life in order to be reasonably content and what must I *not* have in my life so as to be reasonably content)"
• "Am I on-course to live my life without regret?"
• "What might my future self advise me to do about my current situation?"
• "What would I do if I weren't afraid to live my values?"

If you're not sure of what your values are, if you know what they are but you're not living them; if you don't know what you want out of life, or if you know what you want out of life but your current situation doesn't seem as though it is headed in that direction, it's time for a change.

That can be hard to come to terms with, but in the long run, if you're not living a life according to your values, and/or if you're not sure what you want out of life, you're essentially aimlessly living each day and wondering why you're less than happy with where you're at. And by no means is that intended to be a gloom-and-doom picture; it's actually intended to be quite inspirational in that many (perhaps most) people don't know the answers to those questions...but when they give themselves a chance to think about developing answers to those questions and then actually living their life according to them, they invariably find that life becomes a little simpler, a little easier to live, and a whole lot more fulfilling in every dimension.

You might be wondering what any of that has to do with your question, but don't worry -- I'm right there with you. ;-)

If you were living your values, you might not find yourself having a need to ask yourself why you stick around... Knowing that your present situation isn't working for you according to your values and knowing, in order to remain true to yourself and the kind of life you want, that you have to make a (potentially painful) change doesn't necessarily make it any easier, but it makes the situation easier to manage and the decisions around it a little more clear-cut.

The reasons why we may find ourselves staying in a relationship that isn't meeting our needs can sometimes be complex and is often rooted in our feelings of self-worth/self-esteem, self-efficacy (our ability to believe in our own ability to make things happen in the world), unhelpful, irrational and/or overvalued thoughts, and general behavioral patterns resulting from a number of different life circumstances accumulated over the years starting with the attachment style we developed in our families-of-origin. While it may sound somewhat overwhelming, it's something we all grapple with to some degree at some point in our lives.

While it may take time, and an increased sense of self-awareness (and perhaps the assistance of a therapist) to unravel those underlying reasons for why you find yourself tolerating your emotional needs not being met, becoming aware of your own needs -- the ones you can directly influence and control -- in the form of identifying and pledging to live your values and intentions each day -- can truly go a long way toward helping you put yourself first (even when you may not yet be totally clear on why you've previously allowed yourself to be put last).

There's another element to living one's values -- particularly when one's head and heart may not (yet) be completely on the same page: learning to emotionally self-soothe. This is something we do in an effort to help ourselves through what we know (or believe) will be an emotionally-challenging time -- it's a kind of self-care, and it can be done proactively and reactively, and both are healthy and necessary if we're to get ourselves through challenging times while also being true to ourselves and our direction in life.

Emotional self-soothing might be:

• Surrounding ourselves with healthy family and friends during a stressful time; planning activities to give us a respite from loneliness or to keep our minds occupied in a healthy way
• Hot baths/showers; at-home spa days
• Candles; hot tea or cocoa
• Making a positive or motivational playlist of your favorite music
• Treating yourself to a special movie night at home
• Creating a "Bad Day Box" full of things that comfort you (special lotions, coloring books, pens/pencils, tea, etc.)
• Going on a long drive to your "happy place"
• Making a poster board of your favorite inspirational quotations
• Yoga/meditation/long walks
• Spending time with pets

Although self-care activities we engage in for the purpose of emotional self-soothing might involve other people sometimes, it's with the intention of enlisting support without denying what's going on or expecting them to "fix it" for you -- it's about reminding yourself that you're not alone while you're going through a hard time, and that you can (and will) get through this episode and come out stronger than before. It's also about helping yourself keep that forward momentum and not staying stuck or going backward (to something that isn't healthy for you) simply because you're afraid of feeling the emotional pain of doing what you know to be necessary.

Best wishes on your journey of learning to love yourself enough to truly follow your heart...even when it involves a journey into the unknown.