Why do I always sabotage my romantic relationships with my partners?

I keep breaking the heart of the guy who genuinely loves me and wants to care for me.
It happened the second time and it breaks my heart each time. I know he doesn't deserve any of that. I love him but i keep messing it up, I don't know how to fix it anymore
Asked by Amal

Hi Amal.  Thanks for reaching out.  It's hard to take the first step to ask for help. Romantic relationships can be difficult to navigate. 

Relationships require us to be intimate and open up to another person.  This makes us vulnerable.  Healthy relationships require boundaries and effective communication to work well. 

Try to work together to find out what you both want in a relationship.  This is  part of communicating in a healthy manner. Unless we know what we want and need in a relationship, we may make mistakes and hurt the person we are with. 

We are human, we make mistakes. It's important to understand the reasons behind our actions.  Are they intentionally hurting a loved one? You mentioned messing up and hurting your partner and not knowing how to fix it.  Have you asked him what he needs to feel safe, loved, and cared for in your relationship?  Are you able to provide those things, and do you say what you need too?  

How do we deal with hurting those we care about? Do we acknowledge the mistakes and take accountability? This may mean apologizing and working to change our behaviors and actions.  Repeatedly sabotaging the relationship and hurting the other person can mean we are not ready to commit to a relationship, we are with the wrong person, or possibly stuck in a  destructive pattern of behaviors. 

Individual and couples counseling can be helpful to determine how past relationships and upbringing affect us and influence our choices and behaviors in our current relationships.  Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help us identify how our thoughts affect our feelings and determine our actions.  Skill building with CBT can improve our relationships as well by learning to communicate, be there for each other, and manage our moods.

Reaching out for help is a step in the right direction.  Working with an experienced, knowledgeable Counselor can you give you the safe space you need to have an objective person hear you out and work with you to develop the skills you need to form healthy relationships.  Wishing you all the best on your journey to health and wellness.