Ask a therapist > Relationships > Why do I feel so lost and what are the first steps to stop feeling like this

Why do I feel so lost and what are the first steps to stop feeling like this

I decided to leave a 7 year relationship. I was tired of feeling ignored, unloved, unappreciated, and sad. This relationship was on and off throughout the years for those same reasons. I would constantly try to make it work because I wanted my family together and I had hope my partner would change like it was promised many times. Now that I ended the relationship, my son's father moved out of our house and all the financial responsibility is on me when Before it was half. He has decided to not help me financially and also now neglects his son completely. Whenever I try to say something I’m told this is my fault and I wanted this to happen . My son asks me why his dad does not love him. I assure him he does but he does not know how to show it. He only has me now and I have no motivation to do anything. I feel alone, sad and defeated. I want to make all these changes, I wanna try to be happy but I just feel like I can’t find my way. I’m sorry of making this so long. If I even try to say these things out loud all I can do is cry.

Asked by Les

Relationships

Marriage

Answered

05/05/2022

Dear Les,

I am sorry that you are experiencing this. It sounds like you have been having a challenging time processing these emotions. I want to commend you on having the courage and strength to exit a relationship that was making you feel “unloved,” “ignored,” “unappreciated,” and “sad.”

That was a very long relationship, and there have been a lot of emotional bonds that have developed within that time, not only due to the length but always when you bring children into the picture. You have probably experienced your life and identity being so tied within this relationship that now it may feel like a tornado has picked you up and planted you into an unknown place and time.

This change, as with any change in life, can be scary. It sounds like you are experiencing grief, and although we may lose things at times in our life that are not good for us, there is a grieving process of what we did get from it. In this grief and process, you will find a new path and new way of life.

In addition to just now needing to find out who you are now, outside of this relationship, it sounds like you are also dealing with an individual using intimidation and manipulation to try and control you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he is using your child to do this, and he knows that this is the only thing he can do to make you “hurt.”

There has probably been some long-time emotional neglect from this relationship, and with the current status, it would be beneficial for you to talk to someone and work through these issues. It can give you a chance to have a voice, which you probably struggled having in the marriage. It can help you process and understand who you are and who you want to be. It can also be helpful to talk through how to navigate your current situation with your ex and remain mindful at the moment, understand what you do have control over, and stick to some boundaries you may have already set. Understanding that self-care, self-love, and grace with yourself and your growing process. Also, remember why you left in the first place.

Christina White MA/MSW, LCSW

Ms. Christina White