Why do I get angry in every little situation? I feel anxious as well.

Hello, 

I see you are trying to reach out before you fall into depression. Sometimes it's really difficult to accept changes, and because they are part of life, as a fluid thing, it can be hard to keep up.

I can see that stability is perhaps something that is making you feel safe. 

You see things staying the same as staying "good" safe and comfortable.  When things are the same, it's so much easier to cope. But that's not how life works and sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone. Life brings all sorts of things to us and we learn how to get through it somehow, sometimes needing more support from the outside as we build the resilience. 

Saying that, you remember feeling happier in the past and you miss that life. Something tells me, a lot has changed and you have lost yourself a bit along the way. It's ok, it happens and once you explore this, you can start making changes and bring some of that fun back into your life, or find new things and interests that will make you happy. It can be scary to trust people again, but it's important to have a support system in your life in your friends and family.  If you choose to go to therapy you can  explore your attachment style which can help you understand your expectations of others as well as how you relate to them. 

Carrying the guilt of what you've done in the past may be preventing you from making decisions that are best for you. Your decisions could be driven by a desire to redeem yourself.  Betrayal from friends can really hurt and can also lead to shutting down from the rest of the world, preventing further hurt, but also isolating yourself. Sometimes we don't realize, the coping mechanism we adopted is no longer serving us and it is something that can make us miserable. 

If you decide to explore this, you will gain more awareness of your patterns and adopt a healthier coping strategies and tools.

It sounds like you get angry when you get triggered. It may be helpful to observe what are those triggers, where do they come from and learn to really understand them as you try and heal the pain. 

It seems you are carrying a lot and getting exhausted while unable to get out of this alone. It's time to take control, explore your own strengths and abilities and learn to trust your own resilience. You deserve to live your life and find joy again. If you do decide to work on taking charge and making changes , you will start to see the difference, but it doesn't happen overnight. It's important to be kind and gentle to yourself and allow yourself to take a break. It can be tempting to leave things behind, thinking, if you're alone and start over, life would be stress free, but if we carry a lot unhealed wounds with us, sooner or later it will catch up and things will repeat.

I wish you best of luck on your journey, whatever you choose to do! Remember every day is a new day.