Why do I take out my negative feelings about myself on my partner?

Good Evening,

There are lots of ways to approach this question and there are many possible reasons for being annoyed and irritated easily. I'll spell out some possible reasons and solutions.

1. Mood

Anxiety includes: feeling on edge, unable to control worry, worry about many issues, trouble relaxing, feeling restless, being annoyed/irritable, feeling afraid something awful will happen. If you have any of those nearly daily, I would recommend getting therapy. 

Depression includes little interest or pleasure in doing things, too much sleep or not enough, tired/low energy, poor appetite or overeating, feeling bad about yourself or feeling like a failure, trouble concentrating, moving or speaking slowly - or being fidgety more than normal, or thoughts of wanting to be dead or hurting yourself in some way. If this is true more often than night, time for therapy.

2. Has there been stress between you, unspoken needs, disappointments, communication missteps?

3. What has your work life been like? your partners work life?

4. Mindless functioning. Going through the motions, operating on auto-pilot, not able to live in the moment, always looking too far ahead or reliving past (hours ago, days ago, weeks ago, years ago).

You said, "I'm unhappy with myself." I suspect you might be talking to yourself with disgust and cruelty. A phenomenon I have seen in many of my clients over time: people often talk to themselves in ways they would never talk to someone they truly care about. It's very possible you are frustrated with yourself (seeing yourself as inadequate, not good enough, incompetent), and when this happens, the ability to be rational, give yourself grace and be fully present is hard to do. 

Some suggestions I have for you.

Talk about the problem with your partner. Try to identify what is going well between you, when are things worse, when are things better, what are the reasons you are each grateful for the other? Are you each able to give and receive appreciation to the other? What are the ways you are spending time together? Are you spending enough time doing the things you enjoy together? Are you able to spend time on your hobbies separate from one another?

Finally, the pandemic. Let's not fool ourselves - the pandemic, the ways our lives have been disrupted, the ways families are able to (and not able to) adjust, pivot and shift in how we spend time with friends and loved ones has been hard. Jobs and how we do our jobs have changed, working from home isn't easy, re-entry to workplaces has also not been easy.

And finally, what can I do to fix this?

You can make sure you are finding ways to de-stress, talk openly about your thoughts and feelings without judgment, make sure you are truly listening. Sometimes the temptations between couples is to listen only for when it's your turn to talk rather than to truly seek understanding. 

I suggest making sure there are repair attempts - for example, when you speak with the wrong tone to your partner - try to say it again with more kindness. If there is something you want to understand better, ask for clarification. 

And an area that I think can make a big difference in your life - self compassion - the ability to be as kind to yourself as you are to your friends and loved ones. For example: saying to yourself, "I am going to be kind to myself, I am human, I make mistakes, and that's okay."

There are three elements of self-compassion:

• self kindness as opposed to self judgment
• common humanity (we're all in this together and no one is perfect) as opposed to isolation (and believing you are alone in feeling what you do)
• mindfulness as opposed to over-identification with the problem behavior.

I hope these are some helpful ways to re-think why you take out negative feelings on your partner; ways to be less unhappy with yourself and ways to start to manage being annoyed and irritated.

Kindly,

Wendy