Why is it so hard to get over this one person?

The old saying rings true...breaking up is so hard to do.  Whether you saw it coming, it was a shock or even if YOU were the one who initiated the break-up; emotions will be plentiful and often so consuming that you will feel like you jut got hit by a truck.  We often feel sadness, confusion, anger, rejection, fear, even relief at times; however, it often takes such a long time to get through and impacts not just our personal lives, but also every other aspect of our lives.

I am sure, that much of this will not be news to you.  But break-ups are painful and pain is tied to loss.  Something we often don't consider is that loss means change and you cannot have change without loss.  Often people want to change (their habits, their thinking, their behaviors, their mindsets, their situations), but stay the same because change is unbelievably painful.  Even this situation, the thought of consciously changing ourselves so that we can move away from what you have described as "not good for me" is almost too much to bear.  Therefore, we get stuck in the heartbreaking dance of doom.  

We all have the power to write our own stories in our lives.  We have the ability to close one chapter, learn from it, take what we want and leave what we don't need behind; and then start writing a new chapter.  However, all too often, we give the pen to someone else and allow them carte blanche to write our life story any way they see fit.  We get upset about the amount of energy we expend, feel used, taken advantage of and rejected...but for some reason don't take the wheel and drive.  We hope that things will work out and others will change so that we can be happy.  But no one makes us happy.  We decide to be happy or not.  Is it that easy?  Well, of course not...but there are ways to gain back your control and write your OWN story how you want it to be.

But how do we do that...here are some tips:

• Break-ups are like physical injuries.  They need time and gentle care to heal.  You will not be 100% for a while, so give yourself that grace to nurse this wound.  Don't beat yourself down.  Remind yourself that you are healing and things will get better with time.
  
  
• Feel your feelings.  Taking about 20-30 minutes (set a timer) to feel whatever it is that you are feeling without judgment can be very beneficial.  During this time you can journal or even just talk out loud to get things out of your head.  When the time is up...ask yourself..."what do I need now?"  Do you need to talk to someone? Do you need a good cry, go for a walk, distract myself with something healthy or peaceful?  Whatever you need, try to do something that will be nurturing to yourself so that you can feel a bit better. Do this as often as you need to.
  
  
• Find your support network.  People need good people to be by their side during the good and bad times.  People are much more successful moving through a challenging situation, if they are surrounded by those who they can turn to and lean on.  I know that sometimes, we tend to think that we don't want to burden the people we care about with our crap or think that they have their own crap, why would we dump more on them...but often times, they would be happy to help and may also benefit from having YOU by their side as well.
  
  
• The new thing now-a-days is dating yourself!   Getting to know ourselves can be one of the healthiest things to do on the planet.  Treat yourself how you would treat the best partner on earth.  Do nurturing and loving things for yourself.  Do what feels good and makes you happy.  You may be surprised how much you enjoy being with YOU!
  
  
• Try to distance yourself from the old relationship.  Seriously, this is probably the best way to get through this once and for all.  Even though it may be tempting to hook up or answer those texts...do everything in your power to NOT DO IT!  You know where it leads and you know that it will set you back.  Think of it as an addiction that you are trying so hard to break away from.  If you need to find a therapist to talk to...do it!  If you need to build a supportive network of people who will be there to stop you...do it!!  Prepare yourself for slips, before the slip happens.  And be proud of yourself when you don't give in.  It is an accomplishment.  You deserve good things and since you know that this is NOT a good thing...try to break that habit.  You can do it. 
  
  
• Don't wait for 'closure'. Start making new memories now.  We all so often think, "I'll be over it when THIS happens, or THAT happens." or "I'll be able to move on if I understand why or if I prove to them I am worthy."  The more you do this, the more your healing will be delayed. Do things that make you happy.  Meet new people and hang out with good friends.  Fill your time with those who add value to your life...not those who cause you to feel devalued. Don't put your worth in someone else's hands. 

It's never easy to make changes in your life and it's often challenging to get through loss.  But you have ALL the power once you realize that you do.  Make yourself a priority and be kind to yourself.  Reach out for help so that you don't go it alone and know that you ARE worth it.  It can give you the strength to not only survive this, but thrive!!  Hope this helps.  :-)