Why is it that all that my boyfriend does is never enough for me to trust him

I’ve gone thru verbal abuse, abandonment and a divorce from my significant other.
My current boyfriend communicates as much as possible with me but it’s never enough. I feel like if anything changes he’s going to leave.
Asked by Xoxox
Answered
12/05/2021

Hello,

First off I am truly sorry that you have experienced trauma such as verbal abuse, and abandonment, and ultimately a divorce. Without treating you, or knowing more about your background, one possibility for your need for constant communication could be seeking validation from your boyfriend which is likely a reflection of the abandonment you experienced. You could also be fearful that he is going to leave. Seeking that validation could be your attempt to protect yourself and ultimately prevent this relationship from failing. I am curious if you have communicated your past trauma and martial history with your current boyfriend and if he is understanding of those events and how they ultimately crossover into your present reality. Your worry about him leaving, is this grounded in reality? Is this a fear or has he actually communicated those words to you? Think about that question, and then answer if it is yes, has he been impatient or annoyed because he's repeated himself, or again because he has actually said those words? If he has actually communicated those words to you, do you really want to continue to remain in a relationship with someone who feels that reassurance and communication is just too much? When we have been wronged over and over in our lives, and by multiple people, it generally takes a considerable length of time to heal, and recover from those maladaptive events. I hope that you are able to receive this response as hopeful, and helpful. You are experiencing some of the long-term effects of the trauma events in your life. You deserve healing, you deserve to feel the ability to trust someone and ultimately you deserve to have someone in your life that will love you without you worrying that they will leave. I hope this response encourages you and motivates you to seek therapy so that you can reclaim your life, and take control of your future. You are resilient, and you are not all of the things that have been done to you but rather that possibility of something greater. Best of luck to you, and I wish you all the best in your path to self healing and transformation. 

(MSW, LCSW)