With all the trauma and abandonment issues I have, how can I improve on it to not strain my marriage

Being in the military while trying to keep your family in order is a lot to manage. It sounds like both you and your spouse are active in the military and are struggling with your relationship. Communication is a big factor in every relationship. Sometimes there are obstacles or differences as to why a couple may struggle when speaking to each other. Also, depending on how busy or where you two are located can impact how much you two are around each other. And being away from each other can sometimes cause difficulties in communicating.

Being physically away from each other can cause access issues as you two may have to make a bigger effort to communicate with one another. And sometimes we do get sucked into our everyday routine that it may impact our energy level to want to communicate with our partner if they aren't there right in front of us. So many times, it is worth looking at our daily tasks to see if we can find some ways to time manage our schedule so that we can get things done, which can include working on our relationship. Sometimes we forget that this may be something that we may need to schedule into our schedule depending on how busy we are feeling. Remember, there is only so much of us to go around and it it crucial that we make time for everything that is important to us.

In terms of feeling like you will get left, that can definitely stem from earlier experiences where we did feel abandoned by others. This belief can stem as early as childhood. If we ever felt like an adult wasn't there for us in the way that we needed them to be, we may feel like they did not protect us as best as they could. Thus, we may feel like people are unreliable and may not always be there for us as we may need. And that is tough for us to process sometimes. And whether it was our parents or a past partner, we then can generalize this to all of our relationship as we may not trust people in general. 

One thing to think about is that anytime we decide to get into a relationship with someone, there is risk. There is a chance that things will work out, but there is also a chance that things may not work out. And we have to decide if it's worth taking that risk in being with someone when it may or may not work out. Many times, people's pattern of behavior is a good indicator of their future behaviors. So if someone has been there for us in the past, there is a good chance they will be there for us in the future. But of course, nothing is for certain and that's what can make relationships scary for many people. That we don't know exactly what the future will bring. 

We all want different things out of our relationships. For some couples, communication is really important to them, as it allows us to better understand and empathize with our partner. Due to past experiences, we may not be so open to sharing how we feel, think, or believe. But if we do take this opportunity to open up to someone who has been there for us, we can truly invite them into a world for them to better understand us. Of course, being vulnerable is a risk as we don't know how the other person will respond when we open up. But many times, past responses are good indicators for us to get an idea of how the person may respond when we open up to them. 

We must also keep in mind that starting to communicate or open up to our partners is a process (especially if we are not used to doing so). It can take some time for us to open up to someone especially if we have never done this before. So it is important that we are open with our partners and share how uncomfortable it is for us to open up. We can highlight how we are trying something new for the purpose of making the relationship work. But it is important to let your partner know about your goal and willingness to change things around. And remember, change doesn't happen overnight. So it may take some time to make these adjustments. But once we do, it can make all the difference and improve our relationship. 

And it can take some time to build up to effective communication, or assertiveness skills. Being assertive is extremely effective as it allows us to directly communicate how we feel to others. It does allow for flexibility and room for alternative perspectives as well. Sometimes people confuse aggressive communication with assertive communication as they both seem direct in their approach. Aggressive communication, however, has a sense of intimidation or power component to it. While assertive communication is focused more on being open and direct, but has room for alternative perspectives (where this may not feel like it's the case with a more aggressive communication style). If you would like to learn more about the most typical communication styles, this may help in guiding you through this process:                      https://i0.wp.com/imagesinbloom.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/17aperscht.jpg?w=1008&ssl=1

There are many self-help books and workbooks that focus on improving communication and how to navigate effective assertiveness communication with partners. If you feel like you need additional support, you can always seek mental health counseling services for further instruction on how to do this more effectively. if you feel like you got the communication part down, but are still struggling to communicate with your partner, you may also want to consider couple's counseling. Best of luck to you on your journey.