How am I supposed to deal with rejection and change?

Dear Al, 

 

I am sorry that you are experiencing pain regarding feeling rejected. It feels as if you are a lone person in the entire world. It is never pleasant to experience rejection but know that everyone experiences it at some point in their life. It is part of being a human being, and even though these experiences feel horrible when they happen, they teach individuals invaluable lessons. Fortunately, it is possible to make this experience less painful, and I will provide you with more information regarding how later in my response. 

 

Sometimes you erroneously assume that you have been rejected. It is, therefore, reasonable to carefully assess the situation before concluding that you are the victim of a rebuff. There are, of course, straightforward cases. But you still have to be careful because there are also deceptive appearances. You might assign feelings, behaviors, and thoughts to others they don't have. 

 

To stop rejection, please don't take the views of others personally, as your worth does not depend on external validation. It is easier said than done but can be achieved with practice. I know it's not easy to put into practice, but it is something that you must seek to do. It is essential that you can comprehend that rejection can be so subjective. What you experience as something personal is not done to you to deliberately hurt you even though you are experiencing these events as if they were designed with a purpose. 

 

Your interpretation of these events determines your emotions concerning them. When you experience rejection, you might sometimes conclude that it is the sole cause of your frustration. If you asked one hundred people who suffered the same rejection, would they all respond similarly? No, they would not because everyone is wired differently. The majority would experience negative feelings, but their emotions would be contrasted. If they were confronted with the same refusal, some would feel mad, others unhappy, and thirdly, some would be temporarily frustrated. So everyone reacts differently to the same event. When you experience a notable rejection, it is not the only cause of your reaction, and it has more to do with your thinking relating to the situation than how it impacts you. Therefore, changing your thoughts will modify how you perceive rejection and help you lead a happier life.

 

People with good self-esteem experience rejection; however, they do not necessarily feel sad, angry, or frustrated and get over it much more quickly. Mentally resisting the negative thought usually has the opposite effect – you'll reinforce it and make it even worse. The more you excite your neurons similarly, the more you support this pattern.

I encourage you to use cognitive reframing to change your thoughts and feelings. Instead of trying to resist the tendency of negative thinking, you learn to redirect your thoughts. The more that you do it, the easier it becomes. As soon as a negative review occurs, you will automatically reorient it to the new related positive view.

 

Cognitive reframing is about turning a negative thought into a positive one by associating new imagery with it. 

Take that negative internal voice and assign to it a corresponding mental image. Visualize the scene in your head

Now decide what you would like to think instead of the negative thinking. Choose a thought that gives you the power to interrupt the devaluing effect of the first negative belief. Again, repeat this scene until thinking about the positive idea automatically brings you the associated image. Now take the negative and positive images and mentally associate them. This is referred to as anchoring. You want to turn the first image into the second one. You may struggle using this technique at first; however, it becomes easier the more you do it. 

 

So in your current situation, you are experiencing a sense of failure in various aspects of your life. What you stated: "I've had what feels like three rejections in a row: a failed (fairly new) relationship partly due to factors beyond my control, a waitlist at my dream school that didn't work out, and a failed interview (late at night due to time zone differences) where I felt like the responses I provided were below satisfactory and ineloquent because I had failed to prepare sufficiently." Even though you see a pattern in these events, they are unrelated.

Have you heard of the Halo effect? It is a cognition bias where one seeks to support one thought by only paying attention to events and beliefs that support one's thinking. Everything will look like a nail if you think you are a hammer. Cognitive reframing is about taking one situation and looking at it from a different perspective where you can remove the negative perception.  

 

In the meantime, if you cannot move past the negative feelings, I would encourage you to seek to distract yourself by engaging in fun activities that will keep your mind from repeating the same negative patterns. 

It would help if you did not repeat the thoughts that make you feel like you are failing (through thinking about them or talking about them) because the more you do it, the more you reinforce them. Please put some space and time between these events to diffuse their charge and look at the situation from a positive angle when you feel ready. You must exercise self-care, engage in activities that support your well-being, and let time help you heal. 

 

I would also suggest that you work with a therapist, and I am currently taking on new clients. I would love to help you work through your presenting issues. If you feel that I have not sufficiently answered your question, feel free to ask an additional question, and one of my colleagues or I will respond. There are over 20,000 licensed therapists who work for BetterHelp and who are eager to help you.

 

I wish you a great day.