How can I accept myself as I am?

Thank you for the question. I appreciate you being so open about your struggles and experiences, and I wish there was a simple answer to your question. Unfortunately there is no clear answer to that. No one way to accept yourself, as everyone's experience is different. I can offer some things to consider though. 

- seek out a therapist. This will be helpful in sorting through your experiences and understanding your thinking patterns. It will also help to process your feelings and ultimately get you to a better headspace to utilize new skills. 

-keeping a mood log. Log what you are feeling regularly (it can be helpful to do around meal times to keep it regular) and especially when you have big feelings. Note who you were around, what you saw, smelled, felt and anything else that stands out. This will help you and notice patterns and triggers. 

- practice combatting negative or anxious thinking. This would be a great thing to work with a therapist on, and practice is a must. Our brains (especially after trauma) hardwire to a specific way of thinking--- not just when we have experienced hardship, but everyone is wired to notice exceptions to the rule and negative aspects (its evolutionarily rooted to keep us safe). So our brain is going to be more accepting of negative information than the positive. We have to train our brains to more readily move to the positive--- positivity attracts positivity, just like negativity does. So when we can make out thoughts more postitive, in turn our behaviors and feelings become more positive. This is helpful in getting yourself to a place where you can feel better about yourself and start setting some goals and feel motivated about it. 

Ultimately accepting yourself is up to you. Support and therapy helps, but only if you are willing to make changes. A team is important to have, but you are in the drivers seat. You have to take control to see a difference, and I know you can--- it is hard. It is worth it though, to feel better and have more confidence in yourself and the life you live. The challenge is real, but you are not alone in it.