How can I get out of my own head and understand that what I am doing is hurting other people?

I tend to not see others' perspectives and think about my own feelings and with that, I don’t think about the consequences of others being hurt in it. I tend to try to lie my way out of situations in fear of hurting others rather than just coming out with the truth and deal with my consequences earlier than when the truth is actually revealed, making it even worse than before.
Asked by KC
Answered
11/06/2022

Your question is showing that you are becoming aware of the effects you are having on others. This is good news. You can make the changes that are needed simply by focusing on this very thought. It is the beginning of making changes that will matter. A therapist would be able to help you channel that change in thinking to a change in your behavior toward those people you say you may be hurting. With increased awareness, there is no limit to the power you have to make lasting change. With this awareness it will be important for you to gain an understanding of the purpose of this pattern of lying your way out of situations, as you say. 

Your expression about getting out of your own head reminded me of a model I use frequently called Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). The founder wrote a book called "Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life." That is exactly what is needed here. You, like most of us, are getting caught up in your own negative chatter in your mind. What we need to do is to take a look at the values we hold as important to us. What are the things that matter to you? Then we can move toward those things and we can take a look at the things that get in the way of those. We can learn to pivot the energy away from the chatter, the thoughts, feelings, body sensations that get in the way. And put the energy into committed actions we can take to move toward our goals. A counselor could help you identify these. I will add a link here to an exercise they use in the ACT model,  called the ACT Matrix. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrcMyaSgy9A&t=5s

It helps you discover the direction you want to go and the patterns you have that keep you from reaching it. The video will help you to take the steps to do this. 

It is very good news that you are able to put into words the things that you identified in your question. A counselor would be able to help guide you into a plan that could help you get out of your head and into your life. And you demonstrated some wisdom when you mentioned that it is better, easier to just tell the truth early on. It seems the truth tends to come to light eventually, but there are consequences we would have to face. Getting honest with ourselves and then with others seems to be the easiest path to take. Others may help you through this when they see that you are intending to repair any damage that you may have caused by your actions. A counselor would be able to help you through this process. There are also self help groups with mutual aid where people can help you move through these difficult situations. I am not clear on all that is involved in these situations, but a counselor would listen to you and help you sort it all out. 

I encourage you to not sit with this alone but to reach out for support. You seem to already have a good sense of your needs and how to step outside of yourself and look at the bigger picture. 

Best wishes in exploring this more!

(LCSW, R)