How can I get over the embarrassment of being 27 years old with ZERO relationship experience?

Hi Lenny,

The first step is to focus on your attractiveness. I'm not necessarily talking about looks and physique, but rather your confidence and attitude. Confidence builds with success which primarily occurs with experience. You need to take risks to get the opportunity to have those experiences which will build your confidence.

An excellent approach to improve your attractiveness is to learn to build your active listening skills. You'll find that others will find you attractive when you show an interest in them. Active listening means making an effort not just to listen, but to engage in the conversation with that other person to show you care and understand what message they want to convey.

When looking for someone to fall in love, identify your interests and find those with similar interests. Ideally, you want to each have personal goals based on what you want out of life, but a healthy relationship would include relationship goals that you both agree on. In terms of your partner's goals, you want to be supportive and show how important their goals are to you.

The ingredients of a healthy relationship includes Accountability, Understanding Power & Control, Choices and Consequences, Assertiveness, Empathy, and Respect. Showing Respect for your partner will go miles in building that connection you have with that person. You will experience love when the feelings you have for that person make all aspects of your life and your perceptions at an incredible high. Food will taste better, music will sound better, and that person will capture all of your thoughts and emotions. You will feel joy being around that person and heartache when you are apart.

There are literally billions of people in the world. Regardless of your exterior which sounds very desirable, concentrate on not only the beauty within you, but look for that in others. Keep your standards high, but look for the qualities in the person that will underscore their character. If you would like to start a family, assess whether that person would be a great mother to your children. Similarly, ask yourself if you possess the qualities of being an excellent father and work on your nurturing skills.

You also want to consider if that person has the mentality and ability to handle stressors and difficult times with grace. Going on a date, watching a movie or going out for dinner, is easy to have an enjoyable time. Ultimately, you want to find someone that remains focused under pressure and doesn't easily fall apart. Keep your eyes out for someone who is relatively stable, has a calm demeanor, and doesn't become easily triggered or angry at the drop of a hat.

It is also important to gauge information about their family of origin and the relationships she has with her loved ones. People can change and often overcome challenges, but one's past can be a sign or show patterns of what is to expect in the relationship. Keep a vigilant eye out for clues that may shed light on what is that person's true colors over time.

The ideal person is out there waiting to meet you. There are forces of attraction that can lead you to that person. Just like going to a gym can give you the opportunity to work out and build your strength or doing mental exercises or puzzles can give you a mental workout. In the social game, it is important to work out in this regard and feel more comfortable in social situations. You do this by practicing engaging in conversations with others, taking risks and being adventurous, and find ways to get out of your comfort zone. This work will payoff and when the time is right, you'll impress that person and show how attractive you are, both inside and out.

Falling in love is very special and somewhat fleeting. Falling in love too easily and being sought after by too many people can be shallow and won't have the staying power that is necessary for true happiness. Be patient and trust the process. Ideally you'll find someone where each of you mutually care for each other. Take the approach of finding someone to love and show how much you care about that person, rather than looking to find someone that simply makes you feel good about yourself.

In counseling, you can work on your confidence level, self-esteem, assertiveness skills, and empathy. You can explore the reasons which of these areas need work. It will also be important to learn ways to create a healthy living lifestyle and a career path that will dovetail with the elements of a healthy relationship that will be worth the effort to reach those goals.

I wish you success, joy, happiness, and love.

Mitch Turner, MS, LPC, CSAC, CS-IT