How can I recondition myself out of this unhealthy feeling.

Hello Jay,

It is very nice to meet you. You ask an excellent question. From what you are describing, it sounds as though you are experiencing low self esteem, often feel self conscious of yourself when you are around others and feel inadequate in groups of people. Family history can certainly affect how we interact as adults, as you mentioned your feeling that this comes from trauma related to your mother. 

If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about your background and what you experienced with your mother as a child. Processing childhood trauma, while often painful, helps a person heal and find a sense of peace and self confidence.

I would encourage you to reframe and redirect the negative and intrusive thoughts. Think of it this way - thoughts control feelings and feelings control actions. So, if you are in a group and are thinking that you are too quiet, not good enough, not confident even, etc, then you will feel insecure and uncomfortable and this leads to you showing this physically by slumped shoulders, quiet voice, fidgeting with hands, avoiding eye contact, etc. Work to change these thoughts, that's where it starts. Tell yourself that you are competent and know what you are talking about. When you have confident thoughts, you will feel more confident and then act more confident. 

Practice telling yourself that you are qualified for the conversations you are in and that you know what you are talking about. Speak clearly and slowly when talking to others. I know that this can feel very uncomfortable and awkward at first. It will get easier and feel more natural with time. The same way that the unhealthy feelings have almost become normal, natural for you, you can also change them and make new, healthier feelings. 

Working with a therapist can certainly help you with these issues you mention. You would be able to further identify healthy strategies for feeling more confident. I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward on your journey.