How can I set more boundaries for myself?

Dear Gio,

Your initial question is a good one, and I would say that the ability to comfortably set boundaries is the ultimate goal and positive result of the journey toward better self-esteem. I know you already realize that – that the more you value yourself (the more you truly come to believe that you are lovable, likable, capable, and worthwhile) the more you will feel entitled to set boundaries with the people in your life.

One follows from the other in this chain reaction: When your sense of your own identity is positive and solid, you understand that your value as a person (and as a friend, partner, relative, co-worker, etc.) is not based on your saying yes every time people ask for your time, favors, or assistance. It is not based on anything that you do. Instead, it is because of who you are. And that means being assured in the knowledge that you are as valued when you say no as you are when you say yes.

But you already know all that. It would be great if those matters could be resolved in succession – you build your self-esteem, get that all set, and then go out into the world and face relationships with a genuine belief that you are every bit as worthy as anyone else.

But in reality, of course, life is messy and complicated. No one is ever “all set” to face life and all the interactions and relationships involved. Which means that most of us are in the position of working on improving our ability to set boundaries while also struggling to believe in our own worth and value at the exact same time. When you think about it that way, it sounds a bit like, as one of my mentors would say, “changing the tires on a moving car.” And that is what makes the whole thing feel so challenging and risky.

You say you have tried many self-care things to overcome your self-doubt and low self-esteem. That has got to be frustrating to have tried so hard and still be struggling with the same issues. I commend you for reaching out this time. That shows you have maintained hope and that is so important.

There are so many questions I would ask you if you were my client, so I will ask some of them here so that you can reflect on them yourself and see if the answers provide you with any insight.

You don’t mention anything about your social/interpersonal life aside from the fact that you are drawn to men who are in your life on an inconsistent basis. This makes me wonder about:

Your friendships – do you have at least one close friend who you are more comfortable around than you are with others? If so, how does that friendship nourish you? What would that person say are your best qualities? When you are in a position of saying yes or no to a request from them, is it any easier to put your own needs first and decline situations that are not best for you?

Who are you in the workplace? Whether someone has a big career-track job or one that requires more basic skills, it usually means they have some kind of interaction or interdependence with other people. How would your co-workers (or clients, customers, etc.) describe you and the value you bring to them and your workplace?

The reason I ask the above questions is because I have been surprised on multiple occasions when clients describe themselves and their struggles in the same words you did (fear of being authentic, speaking up, having a tendency to sit back or withdraw) and then mention that, oh yeah, they have a lot of fun and feel pretty open and free with this one friend, or they have a co-worker who says they don’t know what they would do without them, etc. When I ask about these connections in their lives, they often say, “Well yes, but it’s different with them because…” or “That doesn’t really count, because…”

When someone says those things, I like to stop them and ask what makes them more confident in those relationships, and if that is something they can tap into in other areas of their lives.

You don’t mention whether you have been in therapy before. I suspect you might have been because you seem to have reflected deeply on your issues and the childhood circumstances that contributed to them. Beliefs about oneself developed in childhood do become very deeply embedded. These beliefs are extremely hard to think or reason yourself out of. Reasoning and self-talk definitely DO have their place, and are valuable, but they must be followed by some kind of action or direct experience for new and healthier beliefs to take hold.

If your early experiences caused you to withdraw from others, I wonder if perhaps you have generally avoided close interpersonal connections. If that is the case, you may have had few opportunities to have the "corrective experiences" that come from forming solid, trusting friendships and relationships. It is these relationships that can help to "override" your early insecurities that made it hard for you to be at ease with people. 

You reference having difficulty speaking up and showing your authentic self to others. When a person is afraid to speak up in conversations it is often because they fear they don’t have anything meaningful or interesting to contribute.

What they are usually missing when they think that way is this:  as you mature and gain more comfort with yourself and confidence in being yourself, the unique qualities that you bring to a relationship or situation tend to shine through.

Fear of saying something stupid or being wrong can begin a vicious downward spiral. To avoid embarrassment, the person often holds back on expressing their own thoughts, impressions, and opinions. And that often means that they censor themselves to the point of stifling the best ideas and insights they might have to offer.

Overcoming self-doubt, building your self-confidence, and valuing yourself enough to set boundaries often begins by cracking through this barrier a little at a time. It is scary at first, but challenging yourself to risk saying what is in your mind instead of censoring it, is the first building block in the solid foundation of identity you so deeply want. Start small, with low-stakes situations. You might be surprised at the boost one small but authentic social interaction can give you. 

Each small step you take outside of your comfort zone gives you more courage for the next, and it grows from there. One tiny action can yield amazing results over time.

 All the best of luck to you.

Julie