Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > How can I stop being overly critical of and disliking everything creative I produce?

How can I stop being overly critical of and disliking everything creative I produce?

I am a maker, I draw, I build stuff, I sculpt etc. I am employed in a workshop where we build puppets and props.
I dislike everything I make. My work is always ugly and never good enough.
It sometimes feels like the exact same thing could be made by someone else and by me. And I would like it if it was made by someone else. But because it was built by me, I automatically dislike it.
If someone is very skilled in something (things I can't do, but also things I can do), I think that's impressive. But nothing I ever do is impressive to me. I value the things I cannot do (the stuff I know I don't know) more than the things I am already skilled at. And looking at this mountain of skills I do not have yet makes me feel so small.
Because of this I have trouble accepting compliments. I always look for excuses as to why I don't deserve them or deflect them at someone else. "You should not compliment me, you should compliment the person who taught me that skill." or "You just don't see how ugly it actually is because you don't know what I know".

Rationally I know that I am somewhat skilled. I graduated from a school for design. I got my current job. My boss constantly gives me positive feedback to my work. All of that is proof that I have some level of skill.
It just somehow feel like I am not allowed to like anything about me. And looking at my results, my emotional side takes over and only sees the flaws.

Asked by Gina

Self Esteem

Answered

12/24/2022

Have you ever thought about making things without any attachment to outcome?

I mean to say that making things is a journey of discovery in an of itself

The outcome is a byproduct of the creative process

Perhaps you can reframe your thinking in terms of being a on a lifelong creative journey with a sideline in finished work but with the main focus on the doing

Also there might be another element to this, that is the idea of loss

What I'm saying is that there may be a childlike passion inside of you that is active during the creative process and as soon as the project is complete that part of you starts grieving the loss of the project and crucially the act of creation itself

Perhaps those feelings of loss and sadness become misinterpreted in your mind as 'I'm not good enough' or 'this work isn't good enough' when really you're just sad it's over and you're relishing the start of a new project

The idea that you find it impossible to accept compliments may be rooted in the self-contempt you have described. I wonder if you can find only one thing in your latest work that you find acceptable, just one thing, and focus on it and nurture the feeling of self-acceptance and build it into self-compassion.

Try thinking about yourself like this:

When a young child goes to play in the garden and comes back with 'mud cakes' for their parents what is the idea parenting response?

'ooh look at those lovely cakes mmmm thanks they're delicious'

'thats disgusting and your hands are filthy'

The first response is compassion and approval for the child and it's gift to the parent. The child goes away feeling rewarded and loved.

The second response leave the child feeling sad and confused because they made a loving gesture to the parent and instead of receiving love in return they were dismissed and scolded.

Try thinking about how your inner dialogue would sound if you were to verbalize it to the child you once were. I wonder how that child might feel. I wonder how your feeling would change you were able to challenge and then modify your inner dialogue to make it an approving compassion voice.

Please consider these thoughts when you approach your next project

Mr. Alex Simler

BACP