Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > How do I begin to love myself and stop being so angry?

How do I begin to love myself and stop being so angry?

I always feel like I’m the only person when I’m with people. No one listens to me, I’m like a ghost. I hate myself so much. I feel like I’m nothing. People only want me when they want something. I can ask for help but they won’t do a thing to help me, it’s frustrating. And I don’t know why I always ask for permission to do things. I noticed that I’ve been doing that a lot. I feel like all I do is screw up whenever I do anything. I am nothing…
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Asked by ISO
Self Esteem
Answered
10/23/2022

Hello ISO,

It is very nice to meet you! Thank you for reaching out, you ask a wonderful question. If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to know more about your background and what it was like for you growing up. Has this a pattern for you? From what you describe, it sounds like you often feel used by others, feel that people only reach out to you when they want something from you? Of course, that feels frustrating. Are these people friends, family, coworkers? If you are missing mistreated by others, you do have a right to set boundaries with them and limit their input in your life.

I hear a pattern of feelings of low self esteem and low self worth. The first step to feeling differently is going to start with you. You are the only one who can change your thoughts and feelings about yourself. It must be very difficult and feel very isolating to hate yourself. I would ask you to find things that you like about yourself. What are some of your positive qualities? Instead of focusing on what you do not like, think about what you do like.

Think of it like this - thoughts control feelings and feelings control behavior. For example, if your thoughts are "I'm not going to do well, I'm not smart, I'm not adequate, etc" then your feelings will be insecurity, discomfort, nervousness, etc. The behaviors will be negative self talk, keeping head down, not talking around others, not sharing your opinions, asking permission from others, etc. 

Turn the "I cannot" into "I can". When you wake up each morning, tell yourself that you will have a good day and accomplish your goals. I do realize that what I'm saying is much easier said than done, but know, that it can be done! You are able to do this for yourself.

Practice kindness for yourself. Shut down the negative thoughts when they come up. I would also encourage you to consider working with a therapist to help with reframing the negative thoughts and learn to change the thought patterns when they come up.

I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward on your journey. 

(MA, LPC)