Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > How do I develop better habits to appreciate myself more as a person?

How do I develop better habits to appreciate myself more as a person?

There’s a lot of things that I have gone through, like losing a mother as a child and I feel like there’s this comfort that’s been missing, like a sort of guidance. I felt as if a lot of things are my fault and I tend to not make the best decisions for myself because I had to teach myself majority of things growing up. But I constantly blame myself for everything, yet understanding I do a lot of good for other people but also feel like I don’t deserve those good people or good things

Asked by MM

Self Esteem

Answered

12/17/2022

Hi there. Thank you so much for taking the time to ask this question; I think a lot of people will resonate with what you have said here.

It sounds like you've already begun to make links between what has happened to you in your past, and what is going on for you now. I can't imagine what it was like to lose your mother when you were a child, and I am sorry this happened to you. From what you say it sounds like you're making a link between this loss, and feeling that a lot of things are your fault/you are lacking in guidance from others. This makes a lot of sense and what we know is that our minds love to look out for things that prove these kind of thoughts right - so much so we may miss or not remember things when they have gone well or that we have felt like we made a good decision.

As you say you had to be really independent when you were younger and teach yourself a lot of things, and it sounds like you're really wanting to teach yourself some different habits to build your self-esteem and appreciation for yourself. I think this is a wonderful thing to come to therapy with, and to work with a therapist to build on these skills too.

Sometimes it can be thinking of times when we have felt that we made a good choice, or we were proud of something we had done - it could even be beginning to write a gratitude diary to remind us of what we do have and what we have worked for. There are lots of tools that may help with this, and I think that working with someone may be the incredibly helpful for you.

The thought you have that you don't feel like you deserve good things or good people is a really common, human one to have. Especially when we struggle with self-compassion already. This again would be something a therapist could work with you on, and think together about what these thoughts mean, and how to begin to shift how we relate to them.

I do hope that is helpful, please know that what you have written here sounds incredibly human and normal, we all have these thoughts to some extent and it's when it becomes too much that it can be helpful to speak to someone about it.

Best wishes,

Nikki

Dr. Nicola Pitman

HCPC