How do I forgive myself and move on from an undesirable state of feeling or a negative situation?

When I moved to Canada I thought it would be all that I wanted and all my dreams would come true, but I was shocked when I realized that the way my parents treated me before has left me with some scars. I get too attached when someone treats me nicely because even if it’s the bare minimum it’s something I haven’t experienced before and I also have trouble believing that I could be loved by others whether that be in romantic sense or the platonic sense. I want to let go of these feelings and value myself more than anyone else. I don’t want to be a victim to my past. I want to be happy in my present so that I don’t mess my future. I want to let go of my worries and be a happier person who is in control of their life and mind.
Asked by Ahria
Answered
10/30/2022

I don't think you have to be a victim of your past but your present is certainly informed by your past. Healing childhood wounds can be hard work AND it is very important work. Taking good care of yourself comes first. This can be done by trying to be kind to yourself, say nice things to yourself as often as you can, try to do things that bring you joy, eg. buy yourself some flowers, a candle to burn, a new CD. Or if it's physical things that bring you joy, go for a walk and try to take in the sights around you. Walk with a friend if you need socialization or walk alone if you need time to yourself.

Our early relationships with our primary caregivers often informs how we perceive ourselves as we become independent. These perceptions are important to challenge! Oftentimes, eliciting the support of a therapist can be extremely helpful as they are able to provide feedback and can help us to identify thinking patters that we may have developed early on. Often, these thinking patterns were important to our survival in our family of origin but can become cumbersome and outdated as we become involved with relationships outside of our family. Support from a therapist can help us to challenge those thoughts that are not helpful and can also help us to identify thoughts that are in the better interest of our developing a more accurate and kind sense of ourselves--a sense of ourself that allows for us to connect more consistently with others.

There are a number of ways to begin to try to identify cognitions that aren't particularly healthy. Once we are able to identify these cognitions, we are then able to challenge them and are able to identify more healthy cognitions that allow for us to grow beyond the limited strictures of our childhood. Positive self talk and positive affirmations are a really good way to start. Some people will put sticky notes on bathroom mirrors, above kitchen sinks and on the steering wheel of their car to remind themselves to indulge in positive self talk more often!!

(LCMHC, LADC, MA)