How do I truly love myself and get over jealousy and insecurities that root from not loving myself?

I was recently in a relationship for one year and I would constantly think this person doesn’t love me if they didn’t answer for longer than 2 hours or didn’t see me that day or saw friends before seeing me. I would freak out call so many times and stress him out all the time when all I wanted to do was make him happy and I did when I felt good with myself but whenever I had a bad day I would feel so angry and sad and my emotions would take over and now he broke up with me over it because I can’t stop or find ways to change and I feel like my emotions are controlling me like if I get one thought in my head that’s negative that’s the only thing I think and feel in that moment until I’m calmed down then I realize that I just stressed someone and myself out for no reason. It’s honestly just with my boyfriend now ex. For example if we had plans for him to come over and he saw his friends for 3 hours before me I would think he doesn’t have feelings for me doesn’t care about wanting to see me doesn’t love me as much as he did before and I would just get mad at him and spam call him, cry, yell and make him feel bad for no reason because After my emotions would leave I would feel like I don’t actually care if he sees his friends for a bit we aren’t even doing anything he’s just coming over and I’m happy to see him either way but in the moment of my emotions taking control I can’t think that and I honestly think and feel like the worst is happening to me. All i want is for the people around me to feel loved and cared for all the time I can’t show it properly because I’m always mad about something so little. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to control myself and it’s effecting the relationships I have and people around me to the point that they leave me and I’m not meaning to do this because I love them more than anything
Asked by JD
Answered
12/06/2021

Hello JD,

What you are describing here is something that a lot of people go through regarding relationships. When we do not feel good about ourselves, the negativity spreads. Our feeling of fear (anxiety) and negative self-talk take off and begin to increase in their strength and also how often they occur and how long they stay with us. 

These three measures are known as intensity (how strong something feels, let's say, on a scale of one through ten, frequency, which describes how often something happens, and duration, which is the word for how long it lasts for once it does happen) and by turning into these factors, we can become more aware of what is happening inside of us.  We can observe it all more objectively rather than just have it come and sweep over us.

The goal is to be more able to witness these episodes of negativity almost as if seeing it from a distance or like you're watching a movie of someone else going through what you are experiencing, because that way, we engage our ability to think as well as to react to the feeling.  Emotions are very valuable information providers, indeed, however, they are very rarely accurate, as they are colored and shaded intensively and most of the time, we do ourselves an injustice and get into situations we regret, when we rely on them as the sole provider of our information. We have to find a way to "get our heads" back into the game so that we can also think more rationally than our strong feelings would allow us to.


Also, with most negative emotions, it is very common for us to mentally eliminate a tremendous amount of options that may be available to us by something that is known as 'all or nothing thinking.' This is the thought habit/pattern of convincing ourselves that there is only one single way to do something or one answer to something. We then (most of the time inadvertently and deep below the surface of our conscious mind) put this amazing pressure on ourselves to 

*Find THE right answer.

*Do THE right thing.
*Have THE right way to deal with things.

That type of pressure is then something that fuels our sense of being less than and below an imaginary bar we set for ourselves when we compare ourselves to other people. And unless we have many people around us to contact the negative self-talk we have with all day long, every day of the week, then we are apt to start believing the awful things we are thinking day in and day out.

By working with someone who can help us see how and where these negative and harmful self messages are playing out in our lives, we can do things to get involved more in that process and take back control over our negative emotions. We can regain our own inner voice that has been stifled by the ongoing negativity and start to reconnect with a sense of self-care and maybe even self-love.