How to heal from people constantly abandoning you?

Hello Wade! Thank you for reaching out to BetterHelp with your question regarding loving yourself in spite of abandonment trauma and feelings of shame and worthlessness.

I truly believe that the relationship you have with yourself is one of the most important ones you will have in your life. It affects everything. Self-love is the fuel that allows an individual to reach their full potential and is filled with compassion, grace, and gentleness. Making space and prioritizing ourselves allows us to embrace our lives completely and wholeheartedly. Self-love is not perfection, nor is it always being happy. It is not based on your achievements and external measurements of success. It is not rooted in shame-based criticism or fear. It does not shame, lie, minimize, or criticize. True self-love must come from within, even when we screw up or take a wrong turn in life.

Now that we have an idea of what self-love looks like as well as what it does not look like, I want to write a few ways you can intentionally work on improving the relationship that you have with yourself.

1. A good place to begin is to evaluate the areas of your life that need attention. It might be helpful to consider the areas in your life where you feel drained. When you start identifying these areas and thinking about how you can honor your needs, you start building trust with yourself and increasing your self-compassion.

2. Piggy-backing from tip number one, increasing self-compassion is another way to improve self-love. There is a lot of research that demonstrates that self-compassion can help combat your inner critic and improve your relationship with yourself. 

3. Be intentional with self-care. Remember that self-care involves intentionally considering how you can take care of yourself and recharge before you are completely draining and running on empty. This may include relaxing activities or it can include activities that safeguard your energy. It can also be as simple as getting adequate rest, eating nutritious foods, and getting some exercise.

4. Lastly, I want to encourage you to practice creating moments of stillness for yourself. An easy way to do this is through meditation or journaling. Research shows that this can actively decrease stress levels, increase self-compassion, and decrease feelings of anxiousness.

Working to better your relationship with yourself takes consistent effort and time; however, it can positively impact your life in many ways and your future self will thank you!