Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > How to make my behaviours more friendly, authentic and open?

How to make my behaviours more friendly, authentic and open?

I am struggling with self confidence and probably also fear of standing out for myself. I get feedback that I'm making myself small, that my voice is low and I'm not as energetic. But I want to be, and in my own perception I feel motivated and energetic, except that it doesn't translate in my behaviour. Like it's a very big gap between what I feel in myself and what I tell myself and what I tell to the world, and how people see me.
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Asked by Zebra
Self Esteem
Answered
10/10/2022

Hello Zebra,

Thank you for your question and providing additional information. 

If you feel motivated and energetic in your interactions, do not feel you have to change your personal style; or that you are doing something wrong.  Your unique approach - that uniqueness defines you.  Rather, evaluate your interactions in terms how authentic and kind you treat others. High energy is not synonymous with meaningful contact.  For example: Did what you say or do add value to that other person?  Intentional, meaningful interactions are not based on showmanship; rather content.  My question; Do you feel the interaction went well?  Does the person you interacted with feel the interaction went well?  If so, that is what is important. 

Secondly, I would be interested to know who is providing you this feedback, as it may only be that 3rd party's perception, and not the person who you are interacting with; and may not be the reality of the situation. Your perception is your reality; and sometimes, other people's perception can influence our perception of ourselves. Therefore, evaluate your interactions with kindness and grace toward yourself.  If you and the other person feel the interaction went well, trust and have confidence that the interaction went well and in your interpersonal abilities.

With any matter you want a solution for, determine if it is interrupting your life in some manner. If an issue is not interrupting your happiness or wellbeing; If the matter is not causing harm to others, it may not be an issue that needs to have a solution.  If on the other hand, you want to improve upon a behavior, remember to be patient with incremental improvements. Developing new pathways of thinking and behaviors take time. Be patient with yourself and notice the progress no matter how incremental or substantial. 

In terms of self-confidence, repeatedly reframing internal negative messages to positive messages about yourself and your interactions will increase your self-confidence. Your brain believes what you tell it. Developing self-esteem and positive automatic thoughts about yourself takes practice. It takes repetition in thoughts and repetition in behaviors you want to master. For example, if you wanted to be the world’s biggest muscle winner. You would not go to the gym one time, walk to the weight pile, lift one weight, then high five the gym manager and tell the gym manager you are going to enter a muscle competition by lifting one weight, one time.  Building muscles takes repetition and practice. You have to build the same muscle memory and synapses in your brain. You do that with time and by constant reframing, and engaging in repetitive behaviors you want to master so you may develop healthy new patterns of thinking and behaving. 

You got this!

Respectfully, 

Mary Toth, MA -LPC-LCPC

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