I’m blind and need help with self esteem and relationship with my husband

My hubby is lazy and doesn’t make me feel good. I feel like a maid. I feel like I have no purpose since I’ve lost my eyesight, like I'm a burden on people. I feel broken and am trying to get the pieces back together.
Asked by Belze
Answered
07/21/2022

 

Hello Belze! Thank you for your question. I will try to give you as much of an answer as I can with such limited information. Some things that I would want to ask you if we were working together are

·      How long have you and your husband been together?

·      Did you recently become blind or have you had this condition for a long time?

·      Were you blind when you got married?

·      Has your husband ever been helpful or attentive to you?

·      How do you spend your days? Do you have a job outside the home? Does he have a job outside the home?

·      Do you have children?

·      Do you have family, friends, or hobbies that you like to do?

As you can see, there are so many things that – in my mind – are important to know when trying to answer your question. So let me try to answer you in a somewhat general manner.

It is important in all relationships – whether spouses, friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, or anything else – to communicate openly and honestly. In order to do that, people need to feel “safe” about communicating. This means that people need to know that they can respectfully say what they are thinking and feeling without fear of being criticized or discounted in some way. So, I am wondering if you and your husband have talked about how you feel? Are you able to talk to your husband about your feelings? Do you and your husband provide a safe space to communicate?

While we frequently think that other people “should” just know how we are feeling, that is not always the case. Many times, other people are completely oblivious to what seems so obvious to us. Would it be possible for you and your husband to have a conversation about how you feel?

Within this conversation, I would hope that you would not only explain how you feel but also what you believe would be helpful. In other words, what do you need him to do so you can start to feel better? Also, within this conversation, I would hope that you would think about things that you could do to help yourself feel better. In other words, could you get involved in some kind of volunteer work or group activities so that you don’t feel isolated and alone. Would these sorts of things help you feel more like you have some purpose to your day? We all have a need to feel like we have a purpose – that we somehow contribute to this world.

Another thing that I would want to explore with you is something we call core beliefs. This has to do with what a person comes to believe about him or herself as a child. We learn these core beliefs from our parents or other caregivers who are part of our lives when we are children. These core beliefs tend to follow us into adulthood and they become somewhat like “lenses” through which we filter all of our life experiences. Thus, if a person has a core belief that they do not have much value, then many of their life experiences will be interpreted as “proof” that they don’t have much value. Being able to recognize when our thoughts are not helpful so that we can challenge and change them is extremely important.

Thoughts are not facts. We all get hundreds or thousands of thoughts in our heads every day. Sometimes these thoughts are not helpful, but they are reflections of our core beliefs. It is not easy to get rid of them but it is possible if we can remember that thoughts are just thoughts – they are not facts. We can choose to hold on to a thought or we can choose to let go of it and replace it with something more helpful. This is something we would work on if we were working together.

There is also the whole topic of self-compassion. We tend to be very good at showing others compassion much more so than we show ourselves compassion. We tend to beat ourselves up in a way that we would never do to another person. So, another important part of what we would do together would be to examine how you “talk” to yourself – what kind of language you use when you have internal dialogue with yourself. Do you say things to yourself that you would never say to another person? Many people do and this can result in a lot of anxiety and depression.

Learning to think differently about ourselves, talk to ourselves differently, and look at situations through a different “lens” or perspective are all techniques that people use to feel better. These are all things that people can learn to do. It definitely takes commitment and a willingness to be patient and do the work involved. But at the end of the day, it is possible to feel better regardless of what other people do or don’t do. We all have the ability to choose what kind of a mindset we want to embrace.

Sometimes, a place to start is with gratitude. It might sound counter-intuitive since you are saying that you are struggling with self-worth. You might be thinking “What do I have to be grateful for?” And, for sure, sometimes we have to dig deep to find things to be grateful for. There might not be a lot, but it does help to take note of what you do have to be grateful for.

These are just a few of the many things we could talk about with regards to both your relationship with your husband and your relationship with yourself. There is much more that we could explore. The bottom line is that you could feel better and I suspect that is really all you want. It is possible.

I hope this helps a little! Thank you for reading my answer.

Judi

(MA, LMHP, LADC)