Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > I’m struggling with anxiety in my relationship, my own insecurities and lack of self confidence

I’m struggling with anxiety in my relationship, my own insecurities and lack of self confidence

I’ve been in my relationship over a year and I’m starting to really suffer again with self confidence, insecurities, and anxiety in my relationship. It’s starting to affect my relationship and it’s even more difficult due to my boyfriend being a personal trainer, so I constantly compare myself to people he is surrounded by in the gym. I need to learn some techniques to love myself, but feel like I’m really stuck in a rut. I used to live a couple of hours away from my boyfriend so sacrificed all my friends, and home life to move up to my boyfriend's to help the relationship work (he couldn’t move due to his clients) so it’s hard for me to make friends up here, as all I do is work and get home to cook dinner. I work about an hour from my new home so by the time I get back it’s late anyway. I love my relationship I have but he’s very relaxed and very comfortable in himself so doesn’t always understand why I struggle so much, it’s like I’m in self destruct mode and it’s so hard to switch off. Any advice would be amazing, thank you.

Asked by Lees

Self Esteem

Answered

12/11/2022

Hello,

So you have made significant sacrifices for this relationship to work. Leaving your family and friends and now having such a long commute to and from work--that's a lot. As for working on loving yourself, giving yourself positive affirmations on a regular basis can help. Giving yourself compliments can take practice--they may not feel at all genuine at first, but over time you can begin to recognize your strengths. Even though your boyfriend can't relate to how you're feeling, it is important that you help him help you to feel better about yourself. I would continue to be clear with him about what makes you feel confident and what you need from him to feel appreciated.

Additionally, it sounds like aside from spending evenings with your husband, you're feeling pretty isolated and that there's not much balance in your life. I don't know whether you're considering looking for a job closer to home (it may not be that easy), but with limited time to go out and meet new people and enjoy yourself, it's easy to see how you're stuck in a rut. I suggest looking in your area for some activities that you can participate in, whether that be taking a class or participating in a sport or volunteering or joining a club or seeking support from a religious or spiritual organization. These could give you the opportunity to meet some new people, and establish a greater support system in your new area could help. Additionally, you may want to ask your boyfriend to cook dinner sometimes so that you have more time at home or the opportunity to go out. I wonder whether you're feeling some resentment that you've made significant life changes to make this relationship work and if you feel that he is willing to make the same sacrifices. I wonder whether you're being totally open with him about how you're feeling or if you're not wanting to upset him or disappoint him and so you're trying to present as if you're adapting to this move better than you actually are.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts to consider. I do encourage you to give therapy a try, as developing self-love can take some work, but it is absolutely possible. I wish you the best of luck, and remember to take care of yourself.

Nick DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC

Nick DeFazio

LPCC