Is my self esteem killing my love life?

Hello,

Thanks for your question! Your self-esteem might very well be hurting your intimate relationship with your husband. And to offer you a start and context for your emotional healing, it's vital to define low self-esteem. 

According to Dr. Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., low self-esteem is a hereditary thinking disorder based on upbringing. It is more a result of childhood traumas or growing up in a dysfunctional family rather than a reflection of your self-worth. The low self-esteem syndrome manifests as a host of 'symptoms such as depression, anxiety, excess weight gain, self-sabotage, etc.

Your situation is not terminal. However, you need a focused strategy to help you learn who you are, what you want out of your life, and how to begin to view your genuine authenticity. 

In my younger years, I felt some of the same feelings you experience now, and it took a long time to learn how to feel good about myself and my unique gifts. I am happy about your question because it is common for most people to have the same feelings you expressed. At least 75% of the population have similar thoughts about themselves. 

Negative self-talk can also affect the intimate connection with your husband, especially because sex begins in the brain as intellectual property. The bodily functions of the pleasure process follow.

You asked where to start: You need to rediscover your lost self, and I don't believe your situation is terminal. It would help if you were heard and helped to learn to be aware of your thought patterns and how to change your thoughts when you feel bad immediately. 

However, in the meantime, here's a pre-homework exercise I assign to my clients who are in a similar situation of needing to reclaim their divinity and seeds of greatness!

When you are in a safe, calm place, write out on paper or journal your dreams for your future life, and time and money are no object to you accomplishing those goals. Where are you in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc., Where would you like to see yourself living? What type of career? What type of car or where would you like to travel to for work or pleasure? What type of connection would be ideal for your marriage? Financially stable - how much money do you need to live your desired lifestyle? 

At your age, this is a time for you to explore what your dreams are for your future so that, in your mind, you have more clarity and a sense of purpose in your present life. Make sense?

I'd also recommend "Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem" and "Low Self-Esteem in the Bedroom" by Dr. Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D.; both books are available on Amazon.com. Her books will help you figure out how to analyze and be aware of what you tell yourself that makes you feel your self-esteem is sabotaging your marriage. I am a Certified Self-Esteem Recovery Coach and trained with Dr. Sorensen about 15 years ago. Her techniques have proven successful, and she has testimonies of working very effectively.

If you would like to work more on this matter, please feel free to ask more questions or book an appointment on my calendar. 

All the best to you!

Debra Ann

Debra Ann Cruz, CEAP, CEC, LCPC, LPC