Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > Need help coping with life changes and making decisions

Need help coping with life changes and making decisions

So I am in a 1 and a half year long-distance relationship and I'm in college. My boyfriend lives in my hometown and I'm in the states. We have recently been trying to work on our relationship because we broke up earlier in the year because of horrible communication problems and I found out he was talking to a few girls behind my back. We decided to start talking and working on our relationship again in April, and it started off great! Now, it's not so great because I feel insecure in this relationship. I feel like I am not enough for him, and he may find someone else because I'm not home and whenever he hangs out with friends I get so uncomfortable and uneasy, I hate it! Today he went out with friends and told me last minute and I blew a fuse, because I do not like his friends I feel as though they are bad influences. I told him how I felt and in turn he said "Well I don't like some of your friends, and I don't stop you from hanging with them" I said there is a difference because his friends may be putting him onto other girls and I went on to say that I didn't even know he was that close with them. He said that he knew them before me which made me feel less important and I got angry and threw my phone at the wall and it cracked. I feel like I have built up anger simply because I feel like he doesn't pay attention to me or care about me like I feel he should. We talk everyday, but I think the distance is getting to me especially since I am overseas. I have been crying all night because I feel inadequate and confused. I wonder if he is even the right person for me.

Asked by Danielle

Self Esteem

Answered

05/21/2022

It appears that you have made a decision to start the process to address some issues that are of concern. It can be quite stressful being away from home and having to navigate life. Being in school alone has its own difficulties. I'm not sure of your support system in the states. Relationships can be tough to maneuver on day to day basis. When there's additional dynamic, long distance, it can be a little tougher. In any relationships communication is needed. This is how we let it be known what your needs or wants may be. You must communicate this to yourself as well, if it's your desire to have others to understand. What is it that you want or need in terms of a relationship? These wants or needs apply to things that are within your control.

I see you have expressed some insecure feelings about yourself. I recommend addressing those insecure feelings and how you express them in your relationships. It appears that you express anger when your boyfriend goes out with his friends. Is this fueled by your insecurities? What about the situation makes you uncomfortable that you become so angry and lose control? As you stated that you have broken a phone due to being angry. How does anger show up in other parts of your life? Do you wish to make decisions for him? He has to make his own decisions, though you may not like his choices.

It appears there's many other factors going on as well. In therapy, a therapist can help you go deeper into yourself to determine the underlying issues that cause you to feel insecure, to address your anger and the lack of trust you have of others to make the right decision for themselves (control). It can be difficult to address these issues all at one time. A therapist can assist you in addressing the most concerning issue, which may in turn help you address your other concerns. The therapist is there to support and guide you in identifying the main issues and finding ways to address them. When you are ready you can match with a therapist.

Tara Ancrum