Please give me advice to connect with others
Asked by Marie
Answered
06/19/2022
Hi Marie,
Thank you for sharing your story. I sense that you are feeling left out or left behind. It seems as if the time you spent in the hospital recovering was in slow motion while everyone and everything else was at fast forward speed.
What I sense the most is a desire for you to be connected with others, but it seems like there are some barriers to that happening. Namely, a belief that you do not do that well. Somewhere along the way, it seems, you developed the idea that you were awkward or weird or different. Perhaps, you’re wanting to be a little different, like others that you may know who seem to be much more comfortable in public than you feel.
But, one thing I know is that social interaction is something that you develop. As you engage with others and learn more about yourself, you find ways that feel good for you and spaces that suit you best.
An important piece of this is accepting you as you are. What are the things that you are telling yourself (or have been told) that make you undesirable or unworthy of love, affection, acceptance, and praise?
What are the negative thoughts that you may have on repeat in your mind?
One of the best ways to interact with others who can appreciate you is when you are aware of the beauty in yourself.
An idea that I’d like to share with you is the very things that make us weird or different are the VERY things that make us beautiful. I know that it may be hard to believe or hear, but some of the most lovable people are those that embrace their quirkiness and refuse to hide them.
Now, I will not offer that this is easy or comfortable, but what I WILL say is that THIS-authenticity- is the simplest path you can take because you won’t need to act or keep up a facade.
You may be surprised that the ones that seem so secure and confident may be feeling the EXACT ways that you do.
I second guess myself often and have my own challenges and insecurities that arise from time to time…because I’m human.
But, one thing I’ve learned to is to make self-love a PRACTICE. It’s not just an idea. It’s something you do.
When you think of anyone you love, you, consciously or unconsciously do things to support them and nurture that relationship. You probably communicate, celebrate special occasions, offer encouragement and presence when they’re sad or discouraged, and you have a good time with them.
These are the same things that you get to offer yourself.
Here are some things that I’d like to offer you:
*Commit to speaking well of yourself (criticism and judgment of yourself is a thing of the past)
*Give yourself permission to be flawed and to have bad days
One of the ways that we self-abandon is to only be kind to ourselves when things are going well. Good friends aren’t just there when the sun is shining. Self-love is MOST critical on the hard days. You would never turn your back on your most cherished friend when they were despondent. You deserve the same attentiveness.
*Create an affirmation for yourself and recite it daily, preferably in the mirror
In a world where criticism, cynicism, and judgment are so easy to come back, it is vital for us to be intentional with self-love and affirmation. A good affirmation is stated in the present tense and is declarative. A statement like “I am worthy, lovable, and beautiful. The world opens its arms to me each day.“ Let the statement you write represent something that matters and is valuable to you.
*Be receptive and open to the kindness of others.
As simple as this may sound, we often turn down and avoid receiving praise, compliments, and offers of kindness and friendship from others when we do not view ourselves as worthy. But, all this does is set us up to be comfortable and accepting of criticism. It is okay to be loved, praised, complimented, and supported.
*Let yourself practice, engage, and utilize your gifts, talents, and interests.
Giving ourselves to things that carry meaning supports us in having a sense of purpose and value in our lives. What do you love to do? What spaces and environments fill you up? How can you engage those more intentionally?
*Consider how you might give back.
This one is complimentary to the previous one in a sense. The feelings you had in the hospital is an experience and feeling that I’m sure is shared by thousands of children, youth, and adults in this country and in the world. When we support uplifting others, we feel more whole and full in our lives.
I wanted to offer you these ideas and feedback because I sense, Marie, that there is a passion and deep desire for more in your life. I can sense that there is so much in you that you have yet to share in this world. We need you. Your presence and contribution cannot be overestimated. You are invaluable, and I hope this feedback is fruitful for you.
All the best!
LCSW