Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > Techniques to healthily cope with caring too much about what other people think of me?

Techniques to healthily cope with caring too much about what other people think of me?

I'm a first year medical student. This has always been a thing for me - but I've been more aware of it recently - that I tend to care way too much about other people's opinions of me, in a kind of unhealthy manner. (1) I feel immense imposter syndrome in medical school. I am doing pretty well in school, but I am a bit of a procrastinator so I will know everything before the test but not necessarily right when the material is presented. And sometimes I feel like my peers know a lot more than I do - and it kind of prevents me from speaking up or trying to answer questions because I'm scared of being wrong in front of my peers, even though I know that that's a part of learning etc. etc. (2) a separate thing - I've always cared a lot about what other people think of me - but I have a pretty strong seeming identity - externally. It's more of an internal thing - I automatically assume that people find me a little weird or mention things I say incorrectly to their friends, or that people don't view me as fun enough or smart enough, or just like am invisible sometimes. I've tried to actively remember that people don't really care that much and it doesn't really matter at the end of the day - but it's hard to just push those thoughts out - so looking for healthy ways to cope with that and building confidence in myself and my identity.

Asked by Umz

Self Esteem

Answered

03/25/2022

Hi Umz,

Thank you for reaching out and being so open and vulnerable about this struggle! So many people have anxiety with performance/career, social situations/being liked, and just being their genuine selves. I have worked with clients at this same stage of their medical career that also name this "imposter syndrome" and feel a lot of pressure to sell themselves or be well-liked. So you are definitely not alone and I am sure that many of your peers feel this way too.

I like that you shared some insight around your sense of self/identity because I definitely think that these topics go hand-in-hand. I would be curious to know more about your internal versus external expression of self and what the difference is here- maybe something to reflect on as you feel safe and comfortable to do so. I would also want to know what your identity outside of work looks like. Many people in prestigious fields like yours put all of their eggs in this identity basket of being a high performing student/professional/career-driven individual. So you can't help but think about what happens if something interferes with that, like not being able to graduate, or not getting matched with a fellowship, not being liked enough to secure a job, etc. Those things would be more out of your control- you are used to being in control of learning material, getting sufficient grades, proving your academic ability.

I see the main key to coping with these very rational feelings are to make sure you are spending ample time developing your identity outside of school/work. If you have other hobbies or areas of life where you also feel competent and fulfilled, you won't be so worried about your whole world crashing down because something didn't go as planned with your career in the medical field. The bonus here is that you will also be taking care of yourself/filling your cup because you are finding good ways to spend any free time that you have doing things you love. So if you have a hobby of painting for example, make sure you are making time for that as well because you will feel more confident about who you are in addition to being a medical student and you are doing something you enjoy.

I hope this was helpful and best of luck as you finish out the semester- you've got this!

Courtney Kempker, LPC

Courtney Kempker

LPC