What are steps that I can take to stop asking myself, "Why am I not enough?"

Good Afternoon Ray,

Thank you for being here and talking about this major issue related to your struggle with self-worth and limited self-esteem. It does sound like, despite you experiencing undesirable outcomes in relationships, that this is still where you find solace and comfort. Relationships with others are where you validate your self-worth. If this is the case, it is no wonder you have yet to correct the issues of low self-value with this context. 

The steps you can take to stop yourself from asking the question "why am I not enough" are simple - ask them with intention next time... and answer them honestly and completely. What is it in the way that you treat yourself, show up for yourself that demonstrates that you are not enough? The act of thinking that you need relationships to find self-worth in itself may give you some of the answers you are seeking. Our self-worth is innate. It is guaranteed and you were and will always be valuable from your conception, from the second you took your first breath on Earth. Relationship can be confirmation, even validation at times, however, they can never ever be the source of our worth, as relationships are external. 

Ask yourself:

1. When did I start to feel "...not enough.?" 

2. Am I seeking out relationships that confirm an already fragile, demeaning, low sense of self-worth? 

3. Who are others who I feel are enough? How do they treat themselves, show up for themselves, what do they model and value that I see as making them the ones that are whole, complete, worthy, where I am not?

4. Am I offering myself the love, support, compassion, that I need to feel that I can trust in myself, that my love for self is valid and unending? 

5. Do I need to spend time on my own to truly understand and reflect upon the patterns I have been using to identify partners who turn out to be poor matches for me?

I know that these questions will bring answers that may not feel comfortable. Actually, confronting some of these answers may be quite painful and could shift you into a place where you feel overwhelmed. On top of that, it may be time to start to seek help from a licensed mental health professional. Sometimes it is hard to ask and explore these questions and answers on your own. Harder to identify and dissect patterns that you have grown accustomed to living out your entire life since, as you say, you have been in a relationship since you were 10 years old. 

I hope you will take this advice to heart and start to show up in a different way related to how you care for and support yourself. It is very hard to show up mindfully in relationships when there may be an individual issue of low self-esteem and insecurity afoot. Please return to the BetterHelp platform should you have further question related to this matter. We are here for you and ready to help you through this with answers to your questions or in assigning you a therapist who can help you dig in further with this work. All the best to you, Ray!