What can I practice to feel confident about my choices?

Hi, and thanks for your question.

First of all, I'd like to point out how awesome it is that you've recognized a pattern within yourself that you'd like to change. That truly is the first step, and it's often one of the most difficult to take. You've already done that, so you're off to a stellar start!

That being said, it's just as important (if not more so) that you become aware of the positive things you're already doing. Getting out of a loop of negativity requires us to learn the art of objectivity, which gets us a little closer to reality and further away from the source of whatever patterns, experiences, etc. that have taught us to think with a negative bias. So, if you're capable of objectively assessing situations, including your own assets, positive traits, choices and behaviors, you'll know that you can trust your assessment of situations in general.

"Well, that's great," you might say. "But what do I actually *do* to get to that place?"

1.  Develop an awareness/capability of noticing when you get into that negative loop.

What's your first indicator that you're in the loop? What does it feel like in your body? What kinds of thoughts tend to crop up? Do you notice that your thoughts are more black-and-white during those "loop" times?

2. Learn what situations, circumstances, people, etc. trigger your descent into the loop.

What are your "pet peeves"? What really sets you off? Is there anything you can do to control those circumstances, your exposure to them, and/or your response to them? What feelings are really at the root of your being triggered? Do you notice any patterns or common denominators? Is this something you could journal about or keep a log of in order to learn more about what triggers you to enter the loop?

3. Develop the capability to stop yourself from continuing in the loop.

Once you've noticed that you're in the loop, do *something* to break the pattern. Walk, take a hot bath or shower, chew gum, etc. -- it almost doesn't matter what you do, just that you *do* something *else* to stop the pattern from continuing. Chances are, if you shift your behavior, your thoughts will follow. It's kind of like a martial art in that sense: wherever the head goes, the body will follow; wherever the body goes, the head will follow -- move one, and the other can't help but be affected.

4. Make a habit of asking yourself what the evidence is for negative thoughts.

The funny thing about negative thoughts is, like most things that aren't helpful, healthy, or productive, they like to live in the dark, in unchallenged spaces. When we bring those negative thoughts into the light of objectivity and ask ourselves what the evidence is to support the negative thought, it's (usually) silenced quickly. Of course, there are times when negative thoughts may be warranted, and inquiring about the evidence also helps us learn when it's appropriate and helpful to think negatively about something, and thus we learn the art of discernment -- the ability to assess the totality of a situation and, as a result, arrive at a reliable conclusion about it. Follow the chain of evidence down until you get to the underlying piece of information.

Negative Thought Example #1: "I'm a horrible person."

"What's the evidence for that?"

"Well, I told my best friend we'd go out for pizza for her birthday last Friday, and I totally cancelled at the last minute."

"Why did you cancel at the last minute?"

"I didn't sleep well that night and had to get up early and go into work, only to get ripped to shreds by my boss. My stomach was upset all day, and all I wanted to do when I got home was sleep."

In such a situation, the person clearly isn't a horrible person, though she may feel horribly for letting her friend down. Perhaps the real concern is not so much that she canceled at the last minute, but that in retrospect, she would like to make plans to make it up to her best friend, but hasn't locked it down yet. Now she has something actionable, in addition to having a more realistic understanding of what actually transpired: she's just feeling bad about herself because she hasn't lived up to her own values in some way (e.g., spending time with friends on their special day is important), and hasn't yet found a way to live a life that's congruent with those values. This is her opportunity to *do* something that gets her world (and self-concept) back in alignment again -- call or text the friend and make new plans to celebrate.

Negative Thought Example #2: "This is a really crappy restaurant."

"What's the evidence for that?"

"Well, I'm only through the first course, and already I've got a special rumble in my tummy that *isn't* hunger."

"Why do you have that special rumble in your tummy?"

"Now that I look back on it, the sushi felt pretty close to room temperature, and when I caught a glimpse of the kitchen, I'm fairly certain I saw the busboy sitting on the prep counter as a cockroach scurried along the floor..."

Here, we see that there's concrete, objective (and verifiable) evidence for the assessment of the restaurant as being crappy. Calling something what it is (as long as there's concrete, reality-based and unbiased evidence for it) is sometimes an important thing to be able to do. It's not being a "Negative Nancy" on the basis of pessimism, jealousy, or anything else -- there's real, concrete reasons for the judgment. On the other hand, baseless reasons like "It just is," or "Everyone knows that," or "because he chose it," aren't solid bases for the negative assessment of the restaurant.

5. Play Devil's Advocate and come up with a replacement thought that is at least neutral and has some evidence or reality-supported base to it.

Example: "I can't do anything right."

Replacements:

"There are some things I do better than others."

"I'm willing to learn more."

"I always keep trying, no matter what."

"Some things are difficult sometimes."

6.Know your values and priorities.

We all have them, but you'd be surprised how many of us are not completely conscious of them, how they operate in our life, whether we're living them to the fullest of our abilities, or whether we're neglecting them.

Figure out what you value most in life, and find a way to do *something* each day that supports those values. Build your life around what you value most. Make those your priority. When you're living your life congruently with your values and priorities, it's really quite hard to feel negative (and even if you do, if your values and priorities are your "compass" in life, you'll know what you need to do in order to feel "positive" again). Negative feelings are, pretty much as a rule, a guide to let us know that *something* has to change. If you're not living your values and priorities, then (as much as this might sound harsh) you probably should feel a twinge of negativity. If that's the case, pair that up with some responsibility for working toward a life the exemplifies your values, and you've got a recipe for change, contentment, and positivity. In addition, when you're working toward living a life that exemplifies your values, you learn a sense of personal accountability, reliability, and how to trust yourself...which makes all of your decisions more solid and worthy of confidence.

7. Develop a clear vision of what you would be like, how you would respond in a given situation, etc. if you were outside of the loop.

What do you think your life would be like if your thoughts were slanted more toward the neutral or positive? How would you carry yourself? Would you make more consistent eye contact? Would you smile at people? Would you say "hello" first? Would you see the funny side of situations? Would you follow through on things that were important to you? Would you be living your values?

8. Develop some tried-and-true, go-to behaviors that you can choose *instead* of negativity.

It's also helpful to have a handful of things that you can do behaviorally-speaking that simply serve the purpose of disrupting the literal pathway that perpetuates the loop. Some examples would be to get some exercise that boosts your endorphins, gets your heart rate moving, and gets the oxygen flowing throughout your body; chew some gum; eat a spicy food item; drink some cold water; take a hot or cold shower; put on a scented lotion; take a bite of lemon or a shot of apple cider vinegar; pet a dog or cat; get a change of scenery. Something -- anything -- to break the neural pathway of negativity.

Best wishes!