Why do I hate myself so much?

I have no self confidence. I'm reliant on my family who I have a toxic relationship with. Anymore I feel I will never find a partner of any kind simply because I am just such a mess that I feel more like a phony weirdo than a human being.
Asked by Olo
Answered
12/06/2021

There are several potential reasons you feel hatred for yourself- these can include:

All-or-nothing thinking

You see yourself and your life as good or bad, without taking into account everything in between. If you make a mistake, or something bad happens, you feel as though everything is ruined or that your life is over. Journaling is a great way to expose this way of thinking and shifting this gear out of focusing on just the good and the bad.

Having a cynical viewpoint

You see the world in a very cynical way and hate the world that you live in. You feel as though people with a positive outlook are naive to the way that the world really works. You don’t see things getting any better and have a very bleak outlook on life.

Focusing on the negative

Even if you have a good day, you tend to focus on the bad things that happened or what went wrong instead of those positive things that occurred. This effectively ‘blinds’ you to the amazing things in life. Keeping a daily list of positive things that have occurred as you go can decrease this reason for self-hatred.

Emotional reasoning

You take your feelings as facts. If you notice that you are feeling bad or like a failure, then you assume that your feelings must reflect the truth of the situation and that something must be wrong. Stepping back from your emotions and realizing they are not necessarily true or the total basis of reality is a valuable skill to learn.

Having low self-esteem

You generally have low self-esteem and don’t feel as though you measure up when comparing yourself to others in daily life.  First, comparing yourself to others is an impossible task— you can truly only find contentment when you find happiness from within. Identifying your strengths and what you are good at can combat this self-hatred component.

Constantly seeking approval

You are constantly seeking outside approval from others to validate your self-worth. Your opinion of yourself changes depending on how others evaluate you or what they think of you. Self worth is another internal aspect that you have to develop for yourself. If you find yourself constantly seeking approval from others, there are many exercises that can decrease this.

Taking criticism personally

You have a hard time when someone offers criticism and tend to take it as a personal attack or think about it long after the fact. Sometimes, you must just step back and accept the criticism as something you need to improve, or something that is not beneficial to you and act on your values.

Self- victimizing

You may have a tendency to throw pity parties for yourself and feel as though you have been dealt a bad lot in life or that everything is stacked against you. Pity parties are self-victimizing behaviors that require a shift in the way you view your world and the control you have in it.

Difficulties with dreaming big

You may be afraid to have dreams and aspirations and feel as though you need to continue to live your life in a protected way. You may be afraid of failure, afraid of success, or look down on yourself regardless of what you achieve.

Being hard on yourself

If you make a mistake, you have a very hard time forgiving yourself. You may also have regrets about things you have done in the past or failed to do, or that you have trouble letting go of and moving past.

A need to fit in

You find that you always feel like an outsider and are always trying to fit in with others. You feel as though people dislike you and can’t understand why they would want to spend time with you or actually like you. This is an anxiety response and requires you to stop trying to read others minds, and instead, pay attention to their behaviors, while also asking questions to them and yourself about your perceptions.

So besides challenging thoughts and emotions, practice self-compassion. Instead of disliking yourself, practice showing yourself kindness. This means seeing circumstances in a different light, seeing the good things that you have achieved and have the capacity to achieve. Your inner critic, and how you respond to this inner critic, will make all the difference in how you treat yourself.

(MS, LPC-MHSP, CCTSI)