Ask a therapist > Self Esteem > Why is it that I feel always everyone seconds choice? When I say everyone I mean everyone

Why is it that I feel always everyone seconds choice? When I say everyone I mean everyone

My family has always made clear they have favorites, i've never been in their favorites i'm just there, i'm also very introverted, my boyfriend loves me a lot and he really gets me, he is so far one of the best things that has happened to me. we've been together for 1 year and 8 months. we're both 18 y/o, but i still somehow feel like he'd rather spend tine with his friends, family and himself rather than me. i just never get to feel enough, my family has always compared me to that one extroverted cousin and how perfect she is, and i'm just here fighting with my own thoughts. i just wish I could stop thinking this way. i need help , and this is just one of my many issues right now. I will appreciate your help thank you in advance.

Asked by Desi

Self Esteem

Answered

11/16/2022

Hi Desi,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. You say you are 18. That is YOUNG! Please hang in there and know you still have so much time to learn/grow and some of your feelings are TEMPORARY! Sometimes feelings can be so overwhelming but "this too shall pass".

Anyway, you say everyone puts you second. What about your boyfriend? He must have chosen YOU first when he made the choice to pick you for a girlfriend right? Or maybe you picked him but I mean there must be something desirable about you! Well anyway I do hear you that it's confusing when he sometimes chooses to hang out with others over you. Maybe it's a bit of a red flag, who knows. Usually, though, in healthy relationships, both partners are allowed a bit of space to maintain other relationships too. You probably know this and it also just sounds like you have been feeling down.

I'm not sure what your family's point of view would be. Are they aware they hurt you? It sounds like this has really affected your self esteem and it sounds like you feel like you may have been treated unfairly. Age 18, however, is the start of being an adult so that is both confusing and exciting. Can you try to bring the focus back to you? Can you try not to take it too personally when someone in your family does something that bothers you? It sounds like some people in your family, (or all of them?) have really hurt you.

Being introverted is ok! Can you read a book or do whatever you enjoy and take your mind off of the family issues? What are your plans for the next few years? Spend some time dreaming about who you want to be and where you want to go. Are you under a lot of stress? If you feel sad a lot of the time, and you are concerned or just want to feel better, it's a good idea to seek help from a licensed therapist. Sometimes negative thinking gets the best of us, and it can be difficult to see all the blessings around us, and within us too.

Anything you can do to raise your self-care and self esteem would be great to do. Positive affirmations, focus on the things you like about yourself, and your unique talents and personality. Sometimes when we don't get what we needed from one or both parents, we must learn to give it to ourselves. Good luck and I hope this helps! Again hang in there.

Sarah Sodikoff