How do I manage stressful situations better?

Good Afternoon Miley,

Thank you for your question related to stress management. It sounds like you are specifically struggling with this skillset in connection with your personal relationships and that they are suffering in the face of your avoidant behaviors (as you described to me above). I hope my guidance will be helpful in allowing you to show up better in this area of your life. 

I want to first give you some insights into stress as a whole, as there are two different types of stress. 1) acute stress and 2) chronic stress. I am not sure which you are contending with presently (could be both FYI), however, I think a brief definition of both might create more insight for you and help you in challenging your reactions to either. Acute stress includes short-term stressors that can cause intense, brief reactions. Generally these stressors arise when one is going to give a speech in front of important or a large amount of people, prepping for a final examination, or one has just had an argument with a colleague, family, romantic partner, etc. Chronic stress includes long-term stress related to ongoing stressors such as being in an unhealthy relationship with frequent episodes of conflict, financial difficulties, or a problematic job. In acute stress you may experience symptoms like sweating, shaking, irritability, and headaches, it can be greatly disruptive in the moment. In chronic stress symptoms may go unnoticed in the moment and have long-term negative health effects. 

In order to address acute stress in the moment it is important to consider the thoughts you are contending with, as stress can sometimes be caused not by what is happening (a specific activator) but by your thoughts surrounding what is happening. For example, let us say you are listening on as your partner outlines something negative about your relationship. You might be thinking the following: 1. "I have to be perfect all the time or my partner will not want to be in a relationship with me", 2. "We have so many problems how are we going to survive them all and be good to each other?" 3. "I feel like my partner is purposefully always picking fights with me." These types of thoughts tend to spike anxiety and create heightened stress, as they make you feel you must defend yourself versus hearing your partner out and working to maintain connection through practicing conflict resolution. A change in thoughts to some that are more positive and give your partner and relationship the benefit of the doubt can be helpful or recalling the objective truths about your relationship can be helpful as well. Example: 1. "My partner and I are having a disagreement, plenty of couples disagree and still remain together", 2. "If my partner is bringing up a situation where we are not on the same page, it may be because they want to get on the same page and be aligned, they are invested in the relationship and in me." I hope that makes sense and gives you some guidance on how to address the cognitive setbacks that may be amplifying your stress levels.

In order to address chronic stress it is important that you:

1. Create a new regime of speaking about your stressors immediately - in counseling or elsewhere

2. Meditate or participate in hobbies that alleviate stress - yoga, walking, singing

I hope these tools will be helpful to you and provide a better outcome than the one you are currently experiencing. I am wishing you luck. Please return to BetterHelp should you have further questions!