How to improve your relationship with your mother in five steps

Have you been experiencing challenges in your relationship with your mother and wondering how to improve your relationship? If so, you’re not alone. For one reason or another, many people sometimes find it difficult to keep the peace with their mothers. 

You may find yourself well-established in your adult life and want a healthy relationship with your mom, but you still feel frustrated with this relationship. 

If this is the case, continue reading to learn about common challenges people face with their mother, how these challenges can affect your relationship, and five steps that may help you build a better relationship with your mother.

Common challenges people face with their mother

Controlling behavior

There are many ways a mother’s behavior may make their relationships with their children difficult. One of the most common ways is through controlling behavior. Many mothers want the best for their children, and they believe that they can definitively suggest and enforce what they perceive to be best. This type of guidance may have been appropriate and even necessary in childhood, but parental influence and interference may grow increasingly unnecessary—or even inappropriate—as children grow into adulthood. When left unchecked, it may put strain on your relationship. A mother who demonstrates controlling behavior and interferes in her adult child's life may make the relationship increasingly difficult.

Guilt trips

Guilt-tripping can be another common manifestation of a challenging relationship with one’s mother. A mother who exhibits guilt-tripping behavior may consistently use guilt to get their way or to elicit displays of affection. This mom might regularly bring up how difficult it was to give birth to you or raise you, or she may frequently describe how lonely she is now that you’ve moved out and started your life as an adult. A guilt-tripping mother may behave in such a way to meet an unfulfilled need (namely, the need for love, affection, or acceptance) from her children when she cannot find it elsewhere.

The best-friend mom

Another potential challenge can arise from the "best friend" mom. A mom who always tries to be her child's best friend can present challenges because she may lack appropriate boundaries between her children and herself. A best friend mom might blur the lines between communicating with and confiding in her children, and she might have experienced difficulty enforcing rules. A best friend mom may not understand an appropriate parent-child relationship and may rely more on her friendships to guide her role as a mother.

How these moms affect their children

Having a difficult relationship with your mom may have seemed like a rite of passage as a child, and many of your friends may have had similar experiences. However, as you matured, you may have realized your mother’s difficult behavior may have affected you negatively. 

Parents who promote secure attachment in their children typically provide their children with support, comfort, and aid. Conversely, having an overly controlling mother who uses manipulation to get her way, or one who has unhealthy boundary-setting habits, can lead to resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression. Many of the descriptions of a difficult mother may overlap with the description of an abusive mother. Childhood abuse* is often the source of real, damaging trauma.

Parent-inflicted trauma can show up in a host of different ways, and some of them can be intense and painful, as is the case with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The trauma inflicted by mothers can go undetected for years, showing up in troubled or failed relationships. It can also be overt and show itself during childhood through anxiety, difficulty in school, or difficulty making friends. 

How to handle challenges with your mother

Learning how to navigate your relationship with your mother may help you move forward with your relationship and forge a healthier, happier, and more connected bond. It may seem easiest to simply ignore how you feel about your mother or the way that she may have demonstrated inappropriate or unhealthy behavior. However, there are steps you can take to move toward a stronger bond while maintaining firm, healthy boundaries. The following are five strategies you might try to improve your relationship with your mother:

Step 1: Try to understand her behavior

If you find your mother’s behavior difficult, it may be helpful to understand what could be causing her to act that way toward you. It could be beneficial to gain a perspective from her point of view. You may want to learn what you can about her life and childhood if possible.

For example, it may be insightful to learn what kind of relationship she had with her mother. This may have impacted the way she behaves as a parent, and she may be repeating patterns she learned from her upbringing. This would not excuse any abusive behavior, but you may benefit from a new perspective as you try to learn what you can without judgment or criticism. 

Step 2: Forgive her

Understanding your mother’s past and the potential reasons for her behavior may help you let go of any anger or resentment toward her. However, as mentioned above, there is no excuse for abuse. You may not be able to control your mother's behaviors, but you can choose how you react. 

In some cases, it may help to find a time to tell your mother how you feel. It could be helpful to write her a letter to express your feelings in a way that is mutually respectful. You may end up forgiving her without getting an apology, but research shows that forgiveness may be especially beneficial for you and your mental health. Learning to forgive may help you heal and release negative feelings.

Step 3: Ask yourself what you want from the relationship

It may be important to understand what you are seeking from this relationship before trying to repair it. Do you aspire to have a close relationship with her or just want to keep the peace? It may take more work and effort to rebuild a relationship to the level of closeness you desire. In this case, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed professional. They may be able to offer evidence-based guidance and tools that have worked for other people who have sought to improve their relationships with their mothers.

Step 4: Set boundaries

Step 5: Accept that your mother might be difficult sometimes

Many relationships tend to have their ups and downs. At times, the behaviors that you find difficult may resurface. It may help to find a level of acceptance while maintaining the boundaries you’ve created. Changing behavior can take time, and effort may need to come from both parties in the relationship. It may be helpful to learn to create healthy distance or cut discussions short if you find yourself getting upset. You can even learn to redirect the conversation away from distressing topics.

Seeking professional support

If you’re finding it difficult to improve your relationship with your mother on your own, it may be beneficial to seek the help of a mental health counselor. A licensed counselor may be able to help you work through any trauma you’ve experienced, heal childhood wounds, set healthy boundaries, or learn how to improve your self-worth. 

How online therapy can help

If you’re having difficulty navigating your relationship with your mother, it may be challenging to reach out for help in person. You might feel hesitant to talk to a stranger about your family relationships. However, an online therapist might be easier to open up to since an internet-based environment may feel more comfortable for some people. 

With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a therapist via phone, live chat, or videoconference, and you can be matched with a therapist who has experience helping people improve their relationship with their mother.

Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy. Some studies show it is just as effective as in-person therapy for a variety of mental health challenges.

If you would like to try therapy, whether together or on your own, online therapy may be a viable option. BetterHelp has a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists available to you from the comfort of your own home or wherever you have an internet connection. 

Below are some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people who have experienced similar challenges.

Counselor reviews

"I'm grateful Maria was my therapist these past ten months. I feel like I've grown so much with her guidance to help build healthy boundaries and break down emotional barriers. I appreciate all the help she's given me."

"Lauren is kind and empathetic when I need it and stern and blunt when I need it. Her experience working with childhood trauma made her the perfect match for me. I'm very thankful for my sessions with her. I hope BetterHelp pays her well because she's worth more than they know."